Back to work | End of maternity leave

Dear Future Self,

Today is the first day I'm back at work after 9 months of maternity leave. Bethany is 8 months. I hope I never ever have to go through this again. The guilt, the stress, the exhaustion.

Started off ok. Twitchy and I were nervous but we had a plan. Twitchy would drop her off, I'd pick her up after. Simple as that. Not quite.

Baby K woke up at 5:45am (way too early, she'd usually still till 6:30 or 7). This meant that she'd be exhausted and hungry by the time she got to daycare. I breastfed her at 6:45am, before I'd leave for work. Unfortunately because Baby K's been sick and has a bad cough, she vomited all that she fed, onto my outfit. I left for work with a heavy heart - knowing we're off to a bad start.

Twitchy and I decided we ought to take her to the doctors to check her cough. But because i can't leave work early, Twitchy had to do it. So he left work early, picked Baby K from daycare and went to the doctors. When he got there, he discovered she poo'ed all over herself and the car seat. As well as Twitchy's clothes. AND THERE WERE NO NAPPY BAG. NO NAPPIES, NO WET WIPES. Needless to say, it was a messy and smelly affair, not to mention an unpleasant one to deal with at the doctors.

The good news is that the doctor says there is nothing unusual with her cough - it's a follow on from her cold.

So here we are, having tucked baby to bed and feeling exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm torn. All I'm doing at the moment is cry. and pray and wish things will get better. And that I'll never feel this way again.....


To the future me, here's what I'd like you to remember

• Express milk. Religiously. Make sure you have enough milk to last baby a month.
• Formula - alternate formula from 6 months onwards. Be strong. One formula feed per day won't kill her.
• Sleep train by 5 months. Sleep is everything. You need sleep before you can care for your kids.
• Money. Save as much as you can. Take as much time off as you can. A year? The last thing you 'd want for baby #2 is to be at daycare before he/she is even 1.