Complex thoughts

My rship with my mum is a very odd one. Tumultuous at best. If there is an epitome of love hate relationship this would be it. So she had been here for the past 2 weeks. The first 10 days was perfect and then we had a major argument. There is always a major argument that ends in tears, shouts and I hate yous. A day or two later it all dissipates and life goes on.

... And when she leaves I miss her. So much. *tears*

Fear

Sometimes when people comment of my resemblance to mum, I shudder with fear.  I don't mind so much the physical resemblance, but more of the behavior. I hope to never be like her - razor mouth without any care for anyone's feelings. It's such a sad life to live. If I'm conscience enough of this, I hope to never be like this. 

20 weeks and rolled over

Baby k rolled over today. What a milestone! Amazingly was able to share this lovely moment with mum. Felt like a very special thing to share.

20 weeks

(in two days, that is)

Baby K will be 20 weeks in 2 days. And I've been quite slack updating her progress here. And I really should document it, seeing that my memory is non-existent these days.

I've been sick twice in the past two weeks and still am coughing my lungs away! Before baby, I have always been a bit of a baby when I'm down with the flu. It's worst with the baby around. Because i am breastfeeding, i can't take medication. Because I am caring for baby, I am not rested. Hence  us going through not-so-nice times at the moment....

I'm feeling a little better though, and I resolve to eat a little better (which seems possible, more on this later). Mum will also be visiting for 2 weeks. I really am looking forward to it. No doubt we'd have our difference and will most likely argue and fight...but I really like seeing Bethany with grandma. Don't know why!

Xmas is also fast approaching...and I'm in panic! I'm not ready for Xmas. My body's not in tip top shape, my bank account is dwindling...and the home is not decked out!

--------------------------------------------

Growth :

Baby K has hit 5kgs! She is still a small baby and I'll never expect her to be as big as others but it very cute to see her filling out her clothes and seeing those fat folds!

Sleep:

Baby K still wakes up 2-3 times at night. I'm pretty much used to it but it was quite painful to do when I was sick. It took me a while to settle back to sleep with a congested nose and just when I'm about to drift back to sleep....bam! Up time again.
There's also a sleep pattern emerging for daytime. She tends to have 2 big sleeps and 1-2 naps during the day. Which is a sigh of relief. She pretty much started doing this 2 weeks ago and it's really nice to have some time to myself. i was able to steal a nap here and there as well as cook dinner!  Good time for Twitchy and me to review our really bad eating habits. 

Eat : 
Exclusive breastfed, though I am planning to feed her formula every so often to get her used to it. It'll help us in the long run if i go back to work or need to be out (and revisit my social life)

Outings :

We're active on Mothers Groups and at one point, was seeing all my mummy friends 2-3 times a week!

Milestones :

So many milestones, but here's a summary. She can now giggle, she flipped over once (but not since), she is very alert and likes to look around - hence at times prefers to be carried rather than in the pram. Her motor skills are quite refined - she reaches out and grab things to put in her mouth.

Settling: 
It's getting increasingly easy to settle baby. Even Twitchy can do it now. It all boils down to us being able to correctly reading her body language and setting the scene for her sleep (soothing environment, right temperature, a swaddle, pacifier and some shushing).

Clothes: 
Outgrowing size 000s, and into 00s. now that its getting warmer, we're showing a bit more skin!

Physical developments:
The past month has been quite a challenge. Baby K's skin was in a really bad condition. It was red, itchy and weeping. She would not have much sleep at night as she would scratch her head. Even mittens don't seem to work, as she would use them to chaf her skin. After 2 different doctor consultation and 3 checkups, her skin finally cleared up. And then it did (about 2 weeks ago, at week 18), Baby K has been a completely different baby. She was much happier, much calmer, and we finally see our baby for who she is! Our baby has a wide gummy smile!

16 weeks

What a milestone. Not for baby but for me. I went out for a mock tail with the BFF who is in town for a visit. Twitchy stayed home to take care of the baby. I was out for a good 2 hours! I felt so free! 

It had to happen... Eventually

Of course it had to happen. Baby K did her first big poo and leakage when we're out today. I guess in a way we've been lucky she has been good, only pooing at home and never when we're out. Now that we're 15 weeks of course it happened.

It leaked everywhere and boy, it sure does smell.i had a moment of panic in the parents room before instinct kicked in and me using up all wet wipes/paper towels/towels to clean baby, her toys and wipe down the capsule. I layered the pram with paper towels before putting baby back in and going straight home.

Two hours later and I still can smell poo :(

Snap

Today I snapped. I snapped at Twitchy for his lack of respect and empathy in my role caring for baby. 

I don't think he truly understands how hard it is, to care for an infant without any help. It all started when Baby K was being a little unsettled in the morning. After much coaxing, carrying, and soothing the crying still hasn't stop. So I put baby k down and left her crying.

Surprise surprise, Twitchy came along, and said he'll pick her up - implying I haven't done enough. That was the breaking point. From there I told him he can care for the baby on his own for the next few days and that I won't bother helping or telling him what to do.

Seems vindictive but it's the only way to get my point across. Twitchy has never cared for baby on his own. I am there when he wants to rest, I am there when baby is having a meltdown.... And every day when he comes home from work he doesn't see how much I work to keep baby fed, slept, settled and happy.

Or how about the many times he wakes up in the morning or comes home at night and says he is tired. Excuse me? You don't know what tired is

Or the many times he off handedly says - don't leave baby unattended, don't let baby watch tv, don't do this, don't do that...

You don't know how hard it is, dude!

So today I am taking a step back and not caring for the baby as much. 

Next week I shall book myself into the spa.

13 weeks

Feeling emotional today. Baby K is 13 weeks and wow, I am now definitely feeling like baby is growing up so fast! Last night was the first night baby slept in her cot ( next to my side of the bed) and I was already feeling lost. I miss having baby in bed, as much as it won't work out in the long term. Nevertheless, I have to be strong and persevere. She must get used to sleeping in her own bed.

Baby's also ... A baby. I am constantly in awe at how much she has grown since the early days. I am sad she is growing quickly and those days are behind us, yet excited to know that she is getting a bit older, a bit bigger and is less fragile!

Personally, I am currently feeling a loss of identity. I was going through my wardrobe and although I can fit into my pre maternity clothes, I'm not sure I want to. Who am I? I'm not who I used to be. And will I always feel this way? Or will I ever be back to who I am? Oh so many questions...

-----------

Growth :

Baby K has hit 5kgs! She is still a small baby and I'll never expect her to be as big as others but it very cute to see her filling out her clothes and seeing those fat folds!

Sleep:

Baby K will now sleep in her cot at night! She is a fairly good sleeper at night, only waking up for feeds every 3 hours. Nope, no sign of sleeping through the night....but it's ok. I will adapt. She is also much better at her day sleeps too, she would sleep in the pram, on the couch or in bed as long as she is swaddled, have a pacifier and a sound machine.

Eat :

Still exclusively breast feeding. We have stopped dreamfeed and it as getting a little tiresome and stressful for me to pump ( and pray that there's enough)in the morning. One day at 12 weeks, Bethany suddenly refused to feed. She didn't want the boob at all and went on for 8 hours without feeding. That gave me quite a scare. Since then I decided nothing matters as long as she feeds. I still intend to express and store milk in the freezer for the future though, especially if I am not around.

Outings :

We're constantly out and about now, no holding back there! Exercise and social keeps me sane and keeps baby asleep in the pram.

Milestones :

Baby K is grasping at a lot of things and is fond of her daddy. She has a strong neck and legs and would constantly kick them high in the air. She would also know how to reach out of the pram to be lifted out, something she has done since week 7! She has also held her dummy and took it off and put it back in, although I don't think it's intentional.

Settling- much easier to read her cues, to know what she wants and what I can do . As a result, she doesn't cry too much these days. Only when she is overtired and fussy...s

Clothes - size 000s are the right fit for r&r now!

Physical developments - Baby K has pretty bad skin, I thought it was cradle cap, but it appears all over her body. Will get it checked out at the doctors soon and I sure hope to get a resolution ( not just one telling me to apply cream). It does look like Eczema, fingers crossed it isn't!!

10 weeks and a bit

Time's fly quickly these days. I am constantly out and about with Baby K. At week 9, i decided to try going into a routine again ( my first try was a failure at 6/7 weeks). To my surprise, baby has taken to it really well. I now get an average of 7-8 hour sleep, with only one feed in between - Twitchy is now doing the 10 'ish feed, dream feed, they call it! I now have some spare time of an hour at night and an hour in the morning. Ahhhh feels so good!

--------------------

Growth :

Baby K now feels like a solid baby, and no longer fragile like before. She feels a lot heavier too!

Sleep:

Still in bed with us. I am now attempting to get her to sleep in her bassinet during the day, which she has been doing, albeit inconsistently. Her day sleeps are unpredictable, but no issues with night sleep ( I am so thankful for that).

Eat :

Still exclusively breast feeding, I now pump in the morning for Twitchy to feed Baby K during her dream feed at night. I'd like to eventually built up a supply though. I had also thought about feeding formula for her dream feed but we both decided against it for fear of constipation!

Outings :

More outings and with no dramas. Baby even went back to the office with me and allowed to be cuddled by everyone, and then went back to sleep while we lunch. Same thing happened at a few lunches. 

Milestones :

Baby K is salivating a lot and now sucks on her hand. The nurses says that it's a good sign, that baby is developing her motor skills. She is also exceptionally chatty now, and is pretty loud!

Settling - it's getting better and better. Now that we're on a routine, it's much easier to read her cues, to know what she wants and what I can do . As a result, she doesn't cry too much these days. Only when she is overtired and fussy...

Clothes - slowly outgrowing the 0000s, although the 000s is loose on her!

Physical developments - cradle cap is still there, baby's getting a little chunky! Her thighs and arms actually have folds now ( she used to be pretty skinny). Her face is getting rounder too!

8 weeks and its Fathers Day!

Writing this a day late. Weekends are so precious these days. It means that Twitchy is home and that we get some precious family time. Also means that I get a little bit more freedom and dash around cooking/cleaning/whatever else I need to do that I can't do while caring for baby.

What a difference the 6 week mark makes. Baby K is now 8 weeks and the past two weeks has been a joy ( compared to before ). She is a little more predictable, a little easier to settle, and a lot more fun and constantly showering me with smiles, laughs and coos.

I am also slowly getting a bit of freedom to get things done, just a bit! Writing this blog for example was not possible before when she is awake. But here she is, wide awake and cooing away...

Just like my pregnancy, I thought I'd start documenting Baby K's updates and milestones, and we seem to be achieving something every week!

----------------------------------------------------------

Growth :

Baby K is growing so quickly! For the past 8 weeks, Twitchy and I swear that she looks different every day! It's pretty unbelievable to see her growing. Just over the weekend we decided to upsize her nappy as it is now a little snug and there has been a few leakages...

Sleep:

Two weeks ago I tried getting baby to sleep in the bassinet. She would, but required a lot of patting, coaxing and soothing. After three nights, it took a toll on me. So I decided to throw it out the window and just stick with our current sleep arrangements until she is a little older.

Speaking of which...baby sleeps in bed with us. Gosh. I didn't think I would be co-sleeping with baby but hey, don't judge untill you wear my shoes! After getting over all the guilt, I decided its not too bad. We are very cautious about SIDS, of course and practice safe sleeping. She has a sleeping wedge which prevents baby from rolling around and Twitchy and I both are light sleepers.

Eat :

I exclusively breastfeed baby k. She feeds every 3-4 hours. Eventually I'd like to start pumping and have some frozen supply for Twitchy to feed baby when I am not around.... Since the early days, we have not had any issues with feeding. 

Outings :

I have also build up the confidence to go out with baby on my own. I started out with attending Mothers Group in the nearby neighborhood. Boy was that nerve wrecking. But I figured, it's only closeby, I'll try to make it and if its too hard, I'd turn back and come home. But I made it! Struggled to release the baby capsule from the car for 5 mins and we turned up slightly late, but hey! Better late than never! After that I started going to malls, walking at the park and even walking around the neighbourhood. All my outings require meticulous planning. Baby is fed, changed and played a little before I put her into the capsule. She will then sleep the entire time we are out.

I'd ideally like to schedule in frequent walks to build my fitness. Unfortunately I don't quite know any pram friendly parks or walks around the area and have to travel to my old neighborhood for walks.... Hope to resolve this in time. I would be great to go somewhere closer to home....

Milestones :

Baby K has been extending her night feeds to one 5 hour block for the past two nights. I sure hope that this means that she is getting a little older and will let us sleep a little more. It has been 3-4 hourly feeds, which can be quite tiresome and disruptive. Having said that it's better than before when it was 2-3 hourly feeds and when she was awfully difficult to settle! Those were horrible days!

Smiles, laughs and coos - she is such a happy baby, especially in the mornings. Baby K is quite content laying on the couch entertaining herself untill it's her nap time.

Settling - it's getting there. 6/10 times, she would be ok easing herself to sleep with a swaddle, a short rock, a pacifier and a few pats. But it really depends, sometimes it can still take a while....

Clothes - I have been putting her in onesies, with preference to onesies with in built mittens and socks. Is just so much easier! But lately, I thought that I'd start styling baby. Slowly but surely...

Physical developments - Baby K has a little cradle cap on her head. It is now clearing up, thanks to Sorbolene cream!

6 weeks plus

The past week has been a lot easier for me and I guess, for baby. Baby K was noticeably easier to settle, slept better and best of all started interacting with us. She would smile, coo, talk and sing with TWitchy and I.

Last night was a milestone as well. She slept in her bassinet. She still had her feeds every 3-4 hours but gosh, what a relief to have her sleeping in the bassinet😅😅

How am I feeling? I have my good and bad days. I finally  got the nuts to drive out and attend mothers group with baby on tuesday.On my own! that was quite an experience, one that I am immensely proud of!

Thursday i had my 6 week post partum OBGYN check up and yesterday, we brought baby to her 6 week checkup with the paediatrician. Both of us got the clean bill of health. We're all set to conquer the world!

I am still living one day at a time, and I still don't know how I feel or how baby is. Motherhood is so far an odd experience. I wouldn't call it liberating (in fact it can be suffocating!) but as I've learnt the past few weeks, the smiles, coos and looks are rewarding enough to keep me going....

Good weekend - turning point?

Just when I feel hopeless, there comes a ray of light. Baby was so well behaved this weekend. Twitchy, myself and baby were able to brunch at a cafe on both days, and it was a leisurely brunch too. Bubs was asleep throughout. But I sometimes feel bubs channel their mum's mood. Calm mum = happy baby. Easier said than done. When you're low and so exhausted its hard to feel anything but low!

I shall remember this weekend to tide me over during difficult days..

Much better

Yesterday I've never felt so low ( except for the first few days of baby's life in the hospital), helpless and hopeless. It's a bad low moment in my life.

Today I woke up with a sense of determination. I was determined to not let myself feel that way. To stop crying and do something to lift myself up. So I got twitchy to wake me up early in the morning, and I quickly showered and clean myself before caring for baby. It worked.

It was a much more better day. Baby slept, I was calmer.....even had a nap together at midday. But come late afternoon, I suddenly feel suffocated. Suddenly all I can think about is how I have nothing much to look forward to. Every night and every day is the same..... So I decided to immediately get out  of the house and walk up the block. Glad I did...felt a little better.

People say this gets easier. I sure hope so.

Loneliness is suffocating

Today I am home alone. I have not lived this life of being home alone with a newborn. 

Mum came when I was 39 weeks and left 5 weeks post partum. 

Tears keep streaming down my face as I miss the interaction I had with mum. Every now and then I feel so scared, so alone, I just can't breathe! 

The house feels empty. Even with the tv on, it's just too quiet..

Baby K was also extremely clingy today. Perhaps she sensed my anxiety. 

I know I can do this. I just need to get into this new routine. Give me a few days. I will get there. I will be stronger. I will stop crying. In time I will breathe again....

5 weeks and mum leaves

Mum went home today. After 7 weeks of being here, she has finally left to go home. You'd think I'd be happy - after all the fights, arguments and whinging that we had to endure.... But far from it. I miss my mummy!

Got a little teary at the airport as she left and spent the rest of the day emotional and in tears. We always clash, we have our differences. But at the end of the day I know mum loves me, she just has the strangest way of showing it. And I truly appreciate all the things she has done the past 7 weeks. She made sure I was well fed, had enough sleep and even taught us a few things about minding the baby.

I feel a little sad that we always end up saying hurtful things to each other. I know I regret saying some things and I am fairly sure she does too, perhaps we are too alike in some manner.

I am so used to life with baby with my mum around. Now I have to be on my own. Well I used to be alone, it's just that I now have a baby to care. How terrifying is that? How am I going to cook, clean, eat and use the bathroom while caring for baby K, who has yet to sleep on her own in the bassinet?

I am petrified. I am lonely.

Rain on my parade

Had such a wonderful day up to this point. Made a spontaneous trip out to the shops and conquered my fear of going out with baby. Mum and I put baby in the car, went to the shops and shopped, got my hair washed and blow dried and then back home.

Then evening came and I cracked it. I absolutely lost my patience and cussed at my mom. Told her I can't wait for Sunday when she leaves and that I've had enough. It wasn't just me, she said some things in the horrible exchange.

Mothers. I have never had a smooth relationship with my one. There has always been favoritism when I was young (when she openly admitted her preference over my brother to a neighbour). Then there are the countless times she openly called me names, and god knows how many times she has said the most hurtful things. That mothers don't usually say to their children.

I can only pray I don't turn into her in the future. Well no. I am determind to NOT be her! My relationship with my daughter will not be one of hurt and unhappiness, or lack of communication or expression.

I don't know where I'm getting at. Perhaps I wished I kept my cool and not say what I truly felt earlier. But I think I have been doing well in containing myself over the past 6 weeks and there is only so much one can take.

One month old and a birth story

Baby K is one month old today. Truly a special occasion as we reflect and look back at this special one month. It sure has been challenging, and in fact I am going through an unsettled sleep period the past two days but come daylight, the look on her face is enough to melt my heart.

Baby's grown a fair bit. She's chubbier, happier and a little more interactive (she smiles sometimes and I'm fairly sure she is beginning to coo). She's feeding like a champion, and i hope within the next two weeks will sleep like a champion too.

To mark this special day, here's her long awaited birth story. One that I will cherish forever and ever. and ever.

------------------------------------------ 

7 July 2013

3am : checked into the Mater Hospital. Was immediately led to a delivery suite and examined by the midwife. Was 3 cm dilated and was left to have a sleep and to be examined in a few hours.

8am :  No progress and the waters have yet to break even though I have contractions 5 mins apart. My usual OBGYN was on leave, so his partner was there examining me. He suggested that we break the waters to speed things up. I reluctantly agreed (was afraid of the pain). Surprisingly though the waters breaking did not hurt at all – It is a strange feeling to have a gush of warm water flowing out! Not so soon after the contractions began intensify and hurt a lot more.

From then to 11am, I was in active “Labour”. Boy, now I know what it truly means to be in labour. It was horrid! I was using breathing techniques at first but then the pain got too intense. The midwife suggested gas, which I promptly accepted! The gas only worked for a short while though. Got a little too woozy and wasn’t standing straight which worried Twitchy immensely.

11am :  The OBGYN examined me and  found that I had only dilated by another cm! Which was not quick enough. The thought of another few hours of labour was enough to reduce me to tears. So I asked for Epidural, and the OBGYN and midwife suggested that I get the hormone drip to speed things up. Which I agree.

The Anaesthetist came by and immediately got me sorted with Epidural. It wasn’t as scary as I thought as I was pretty much out of it! I felt a small prick on my back and that was it. I reckon the contractions were heaps more painful!

The relief was immediate – I was able to joke and  hold a conversation. And I fell asleep shortly after.

1:30pm : Woke up to  the midwife coming back to check on me, and in walked MY OBGYN with her. He was on leave but came back in to deliver my baby (along with 3 others in the delivery suite. What a relief. I didn’t mind the other guy but it’s nice to know that the person who has been seeing me through the pregnancy will b delivering the baby! He examined me and found that I was already fully dilated. Which meant I went from 4cm to 11cms within the one hour! He then says we’ll alright to go but will wait for baby to come further down the birth canal and for us to rest. He’ll be back to deliver later in the afternoon.

So Twitchy and I spent the rest of the afternoon reading and sleeping (him reading, me sleeping).

4:30pm : in walks my OBGYN and midwife and it’s showtime. In three pushes, and with the help of the suction, baby was out! I didn’t feel any pain at all, thanks to the epidural. But definitely some pressure to help me push!

He told Twitchy to reach down and twitchy felt baby’s head. And then told me to reach out as well. I felt her arm. Then he told us to pull….and we pulled baby out and on to my chest!

4:56pm : Hello baby! What a magical moment to have baby on my chest, in my arms. Baby K hardly cried. She spend the first few moments staring at both Twitchy and I and snuggled up on my chest.  She was able to breastfeed within the hour and poop the next!

4 weeks

Bethany was 4 weeks old yesterday. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already! 4 weeks also mark the end of my confinement and Bethany's first full moon( full month). In true blue tradition, we threw a small celebration and had family and friends over on Saturday. I kept the group to a very small number. I really didn't want to overwhelm baby with too many unfamiliar faces.

The "party" was a success. I only had 4 friends, and 4 family members.  Even then the two grandmothers were occupied and hogged the baby the entire time. I got to hang out with friends and chat.

The best part of the celebration? The food! Got the traditional stuff catered. Mmmm yum

And of course there were macaroons :)

Back to Bethany, my baby has grown so quickly this month. Even every other day, when Twitchy and I look at baby, we get surprised by how much she's grown. Getting really sentimental here!

Mum leaves in a week, which means I will be left alone to care for baby AND fend for myself! I am so nervous about this but I guess I should learn to be independent! ( well I was independent before the past 6 weeks when she came and took over our life and baby's arrival....)

Mum and I don't always get along but I know she has good intentions and she looked after her baby (me) while I looked after my new baby. It's never easy crossing generational gaps and  coming over to a foreign land to do it. So I will forever be grateful. Sheesh, getting a little emotional here.

Next post - how I ventured out into the sun for the first time in a month!

3 weeks + 2 days

We've past the 3 week mark! And with that brings new challenges.

I find that in week 1 and 2, it was a constant struggle for me. Between sleep deprivation, hormones, recovering from labour, and being new parents - my nerves were on the edge. Everyday is a challenge and I worry that I'm the only one in the world experience my sleep drama/baby sleep challenges/ baby blues/baby feeding dramas. All I can say is thank god for mummy friends - my friends who are already mummies - and have experienced the same thing.

Every week I gain a little more experience. I wish i knew in week 1 what I know in week 2, it would have lessen my anxiety. Likewise now, what I didn't know last week!

Baby K is sleeping well these days on our bed. Our biggest challenge? Her being gassy and having a bit of a reflux while feeding. She arches her neck and back, then unlatches and cries. And hiccoughs. And spits some milk. Post feeding she takes a while to settle.

...I just have to ride past this challenge!

Day 17

So much for the reprieve in my last post. Monday, 22 July was one of the toughest day for me. Twitchy went back to work, which left me feeling a little lonely. Yes I had mum and aunt around but I still feel lonely. Felt as though Twitchy was my one true support. So needless to say I wasn't in the Best of mood when I got up with baby k at 9 am.

True enough, by 10 am have had a full blown argument with mum AND aunt about parenting skills. Aunt says I'm hormonal (which yes I think I am, too) but they provoked me first! It's a generational thing, I suppose. It all stemmed from mum putting baby asleep in the corner of the bassinet! Big no no for SIDS. She refused to listen to my rationale then my aunt says I am overreacting. 

I got so upset I told them to shut it and leave me alone. Haven't really spoken to them since.

....was I hormonal? Yes. Was I overreacting? Maybe. But was my concern justified? Yes! Anyway. Spent the next few days not talking much. Needed to conserve energy to care for baby. I CBF picking fights or making conversations. ( that was how exhausted I am!)

----------------------------------------------------

Today I am feeling positive. I now weigh 56.1 kg, have lost a little more than 50% of my pregnancy weight and the tummy is fast shrinking. The stretch marks are still there but hopefully is fading...

And the best feeling? Is that baby is finally ok sleeping on her own on our bed. The past two nights we clocked in at least 6 hours pernight. Which is a huge win. Baby has also started to nap on the pram bassinet during the day. Short naps. But enough for me to run off and shower, and do little things that makes me feel human again!

It's days like these that gives me hope. Hopefully this will be somewhat of a routine....

Baby K is two weeks...and a reprieve

After having such a low day, today is shaping up to be a good one. I feel relaxed. I feel rested ( well not really, but well). Baby is feeding and sleeping well.

And today marks 2 weeks since baby K came into our lives! I can't express how volatile it has been. The emotional rollercoaster, the anxiety, the waterworks, the sleep deprivation! But it all goes away momentarily every time I gaze at her face. My love.

Low low low

Nobody told me abt feeling low when you have a tiny miny me dependant on you for all their needs. Feeling low because I feel trapped. Can't leave home, can't enjoy some sun.... Can't even eat what I want!

Baby k  hates being put down to sleep. She cries every time I put her down, no matter how tired she is! I feel depressed:(

...but I also feel lot of love for this tiny human being. God give me strength to cope and be a good mom.

Hard boobs and sleep

Woke up with hard boobs today, it's day 10. I guess milk is well and truly here! Baby K had another one of her crazy cluster feeding moments last night and fed for 4 hours! I was so exhausted towards the end of the night....

Today Twitchy and I decided to experiment and try putting Baby K to sleep in our pram bassinet. Since baby K hates her bassinet, we thought we'd try another one. And it seems to work. She's been asleep for an hour now. Would it be premature to celebrate?

9 days later....

I now weigh 57.1kg, which is a weight loss of 6.2kg since the birth oh baby K! No exercise needed, just day-to-day life adapting to baby. Which of course, included lots of stress, tears, stamina and fatigue!

I am eating well. If you could call a diet of ginger that. Following Chinese confinement is such a pain! I understand some of the rationale, but some other aspects are just plain nonsense. My biggest complain is the food ( I think it's got to do w the fact that my cater has no idea how to vary their cooking), drink ( imagine not being able to drink water when breastfeeding) or showering and washing hair. 

Yesterday I felt low. Like I had no control in my life. Bad enough my routine revolves around baby- but to not be able to eat/ drink what I want or even shower? That nearly killed me.

After a good cry.... I decided to cheat. Drink lots of water in the bedroom & sneak a shower in the morning in the ensuite. Hah! I felt better already. Take that u stupid confinement!

Update : Baby K had her weight checked today too. The midwife gave her a clean bill of health. And Baby K surpassed expectations, she surpassed her birth weight and gain some more! 

Today is working out to be a good day! 😅

Baby K's first week highlights

Dear Baby K,

I feel like I need to document every minute of the first week of your life here. But time is running out. Any moment now you will wake up and demand a feed! So I better be quick....

Day 1 - 8/7

High on adrenalin! Can't believe baby is here! 

She also had an long sleep, from 7am to 1pm. I thought it was because she was a good baby but I think it maybe just her being a sleepy newborn. 

Baby wouldn't stop feeding in the afternoon and way into the night. She was hungry. Sucking really weakly so resorted to formula to supplement hunger. Also sent her to the nursery as I was in a pretty bad state- exhaustion and pain from labour.

Day 2 - 9/7

After a nightmare of night, I woke up in good spirits and ready to take on the challenges. Also just occurred to me that I should take everyday at a time.

Went to classes at the hospital which also helped assured that we are on track and that we are not alone with the problems.

Had a pretty good night with me feeding baby every 2 hours to make sure she is not too hungry

Day 3 - 10/7

Baby's a little jaundiced so I'm continuing to ensure that baby is hydrated, well fed and have wet nap pies!

Restless night. Baby supplemented with 2 doses of formula to help her sleep. 

Right on schedule, baby blues hit. A condition that's associated with the breast finally producing milk and release of pregnancy hormones. Sure wasn't pleasant as I turn into a blubbery mess! Probably didn't help that twitchy wasn't allowed to stay in the hospital throughout the entire duration. 

Day 4 - 11/7

Hep B vaccination and discharge weight was 2.772kg! A healthy weight as baby has not lost much from the past few days.

Discharged from hospital and our first night home!

I didn't cope very well leaving the hospital. Feels as though I'm leaving safe grounds and about to embark in the dangerous world on my own! Baby K was put in the car capsule and started crying which made me cry too! She stopped within a minute or two but my waterworks continue untill I got home!

Day 5 - 12/7

It's Twitchy's birthday! We're still struggling a little with routine but I'm beginning to get the hang of things. It's really comfortable being at home, compared to the hospital. I'm getting lots of support from all mummy friends by sharing experiences, advices and reassurances. Thank god for mothers! Speaking of which, grandma has been helpful with cooking and cleaning. We don't always get along but I a, forever grateful she is looking out for her baby who is looking after a baby now....

We celebrated  Twitchy's birthday with cake in the evening!

Baby's umbilical cord fell off during a nappy change - that was quick!

Day 6 - 13/7

Opa,Oma and Sil came over for lunch, which was quite nice. It's actually nice to have a conversation w family. 

We had the best night sleep tonight. I am resigned to the fact that baby's only been here for 6 days so there is no such thing as being spoiled! So baby sleeps on my chest. We clock in a record of 5 hours sleep with a feed & diaper change in between.

Day 7 - 14/7

Today! Today I am so much more comfortable than I have been in days. 

My body sores have lessen, anxiety level has dropped off and am no longer too stressed over things not being done. 

Baby K actually laughs and smiles in her sleep when she doesn't even do it in real life! It's amazing...

Twitchy and Grandma have gone out this afternoon to shop, so it's baby and I on the couch! Loving it.

Immense love

One week on and baby K and I are slowly adapting to life, to each other, and being at home!

I am trying to savour every moment I have with baby, after all, they don't always stay a newborn. And this being my firstborn......sure is special! I remember my labour. 3 pushes and the doctor got me to reach out (or down) for Baby K! 

It's a special moment that Twitchy and I will remember forever. Baby K  freshly born on my chest, she hardly cried. Instead she had her eyes wide open and stared at us. Tears just streamed down my face at that moment. I remember turning to Twitchy and say that we've just created perfection. 

At this time last week

I can't believe at this time last week baby was still kicking away inside of me. I was deeply uncomfortable, and was having contractions 5 mins apart! I remember jumping into the shower, thinking that it'll not be long before we need to head to the hospital....

Baby K is 6 days old

Can't believe baby K is already 6 days old! I've been wanting to write her birth story but I hardly have time to even use the toilet, let alone write.

There are so many things I'd like to do but taking a nap is the top of my list when baby naps. I am now averaging a total of 3-4 hours of sleep( this is a cumulation of all the broken sleep throughout the day and night.

How do I feel? Sometimes like a filthy animal. Make it a cow, since I seem to be feeding baby 8-10 times a day!

I have had plenty of moments over the past few days. I really want to record them and remember them forever ( and maybe someday I'd look back and laugh).

Baby K is growing so fast. Her look changes; one day she looks like me, next day she looks more like dad. Latest development? Her umbilical cord dropped off on day 5! That was quick!!! I thought they don' t drop till a week or two?!

Please don't grow too quickly baby, let me savour every moment I have with you.

Baby K

Baby K arrived at 4:56pm on 7/7!

Who would have thought that Twitchy and I could have created perfection?

To the hospital or not?

I keep waiting for my dramatic sign to get to the hospital. Been having contractions every 5-7 minutes at 40 seconds each time. It's uncomfortable, but I don't feel severely in pain! Hmmmmm the dilemma.

Sleepless nights

All throughout pregnancy I've had really good sleep. But for the past few nights i've been a night owl. Come 1:45am my eyes would open. And not go back to sleep until 4-5am.

What a pain!

And it's crucial timing too. Considering these would be the last few nights before baby arrives!

40 weeks today

We're due today!

What did I do? Lots, even though I had crappy sleep last night. Walked to the shops with mum and had coffee and then a bit of a walk around the neighbourhood. It was good morning for a walk. When we got home, we continued exploring my building and the street parallel to time.

After a bit of a rest - watching a drama series, we went to the mall for lunch.

While we were walking at the mall I felt a little funny. Like a twinge of something. (What can I say, I'm quite intuitive when it comes to my body!). Went to the toilet to check, but nothing.

It's close to bedtime, and I definitely think something's up. Like I'm leaking. Whether this is something to be excited about, we shall see!

Like a child

My mother is like a child. All she ever does is to complain and nag. She constantly complains about the weather but what does she wear? A t shirt at home and opens all the doors. She complains about the lack of sunlight but wouldn't go out for a walk under the sun. And when we're finally out she complains about the ray of sun light , how it's too bright.

Oh god. 

So the 5 hours were spent out at an Asian grocery store, where she bought things that we already have. Then lunch. Then a bit of a walk. And if that's not enough I took her to Luna Park for a stroll and ice cream. Only then she was a little happier.

I think I have already demonstrated super strength today by being patient and accommodating. I have been out for 5 hours. My back hurts, I am exhausted from the lack of sleep last night. And I have not snapped at her. But boy, I'm so damn tired. 

Name me a 40-week pregnant lady who not only has to endure pregnancy but also the stress and exhaustion of minding a 60 year old child....

39 weeks + 5

It's July, it's July!

After 9 days of rain, the first day of July brought a ray of sunshine. Which is very much welcomed here. I was going nuts trying to figure out how to entertain mum and also to figure out ways to exercise and stretch my legs. Geez, being heavily pregnant and restricted is sure no fun. Some people find joy in just eating and sleeping but I just can't do it! I'd love to walk, sight see and watch movies! Added to stress is mum being here. Mum who is not too independant and not adventurous on her own - which means, I struggle to keep her entertained.

------------------------------------------------------

How far along? 39 weeks + 5 days

Total weight gain/loss: I haven't dared to weigh myself for a while. All I know is that I have been eating a fair bit and my little low tummy is not so little anymore!

Maternity clothes? Yes! Wearing the same old outfits day in and out. Decided that i'll just wear hoodies and jumpers and lots of scarf rather than buying new coats. Also tracky daks and dressing gown when i'm home. I like wearing my fitted long sleeve tops to show off the bump!

Stretch marks? Yes :( Right on 38 weeks the stretch marks appear. It's low on the tummy so I'm guessing because baby dropped. It's was a little upsetting but I've resigned to it and am repeating to myself that i should be thankful i only started getting them late in pregnancy!

Symptoms: 2 nights of sleeplessness and carrying low. There are still occasions when I get breathless and can't get comfortable. Other than that I'm feeling good!

Sleep:  Occasional sleeplessness. I'd say every other night as I'm getting a little more uncomfortable now. Baby's pretty active at night too.

Best moment these 2 weeks: Now that mum is here, I find relief when hubby is home. He helps to offload the pressure and takes control of things, which I truly treasure.

Have you told family and friends: Yes! Actively posting on Instagram :)

Miss Anything? Sashimi these days. And being slim and not being squashed. Walking and running!

Movement: Baby is head down and engaged! At my last appointment the doctor says she is still even lower. Which i already knew. I can feel her when i walk sometimes. Thankfully I am not waddling yet! She is also moving a little bit more!

Food cravings: Since my last post, I had my durian. It was heavenly! Nothing much otherwise, perhaps fruits?


Anything making you queasy or sick: Still the smell of cooking meat :( Mum has taken over the cooking duties. Thankfully she is mindful of my aversions and has stuck to steamed/boiled food.

Baby is a: GIRL!

Belly Button in or out? Half in and out? hehe! 


Wedding rings on or off? On. Doesn't look like my finger are going to swell.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy today because the sun is shining! Been a little moody as I struggle to  adapt to mum being around.

Looking forward to: Baby being here. Any day now - it's 2 days to due date but I doubt she'd be on time. But don't take too long baby, wouldn't want you to overcook!

38 weeks + 5 days

Third week of maternity leave and mum is here! I have to be honest. I haven't been looking forward to the thought of mum living with us for 2 months. Twitchy and I spent our last date night watching a movie on Friday night before picking mum up on Saturday morning. The weekend was a blur of going to Asian grocery stores and buying Asian confinement necessities. Yes I am actually going to abide by the Chinese confinement rules post partum....EEEEK!

Anyway, I was pretty sure that bubs would be here early. But at the last OBGYN appointment, i walked into the office with another lady, who was clearly struggling to breathe and walk - and she is due the same time as me. Hmmmmm. Ok so maybe I'm not that bad after all....

Apparently all 3 of us in the family were late and had to be induced. So I'm guessing I might be going down that path.

-------------------------------------------------------
How far along? 38 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Last weight at 63.5 kgs, haven't had the chance to weigh myself. But i definitely have been eating a bit since mum arrived.

Maternity clothes? Yes! Wearing the same old outfits day in and out. Decided that i'll just wear hoodies and jumpers and lots of scarf rather than buying new coats. Also tracky daks and dressing gown when i'm home.

Stretch marks? Yes :( Right on 38 weeks the stretch marks appear. It's low on the tummy so I'm guessing because baby dropped. It's was a little upsetting but I've resigned to it and am repeating to myself that i should be thankful i only started getting them late in pregnancy!

Symptoms: 2 nights of sleeplessness and carrying low. There are still occasions when I get breathless and can't get comfortable. Other than that I'm feeling good!

Sleep:  Two nights of sleeplessness over the weekend and I'm back to having good sleep. All it took was a warm shower before bedtime and new bedsheets!

Best moment these 2 weeks: Went back to work on Friday to say hello to my workmates and hungout with them. That was fun. Also been spending everything day with my mommy friends. I feel like i have some sort of support system in place, which is assuring.

Have you told family and friends: Yes! Actively posting on Instagram :)

Miss Anything? Sashimi these days. And being slim and not being squashed.

Movement: Baby is head down and engaged! At my last appointment the doctor says she is still even lower. Which i already knew. I can feel her when i walk sometimes. Thankfully I am not waddling yet! She is also moving a little bit more!

Food cravings: Vegetable and fruits. i don't eat enough of them these days. I still can't say i have cravings - more like food aversions (what I definitely don't want to eat!) Oh and thanks to mum - i now feel like durian.


Anything making you queasy or sick: Still the smell of cooking meat :( Mum has taken over the cooking duties so I am praying she doesn't cooking too much overpowering smells!

Baby is a: GIRL!

Belly Button in or out? Half in and out? hehe! 


Wedding rings on or off? On. Doesn't look like my finger are going to swell.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy today after a week of anxiety at the thought of mum being over. It's ok. i think we will be ok as long as I get enough sleep and not be too impatient.

Looking forward to: Sunny days! It's been raining and gloomy since mum arrived. It was also the coldest weekend for the year! Mum was getting restless, so am I! I want to walk in a park while I still can!

Stretchmark woes

38 weeks today and the lo and behold, the stretchmarks have finally appeared!

...and I thought I got off scott free from stretch marks. I was pretty much in the clear until 2 days ago! First the tummy got a little itchy, then when I looked in the mirror I saw tiny marks. Didn't think much of it and applied cream and went to bed. The next day, more appeared!

I've resigned to the fact that it's bound to happen :(

I guess I should be grateful that it hasn't happened any earlier.

37 weeks

First week of being on maternity leave. First week of driving around in the X1 (and I'm beginning to like it). Went to a breastfeeding class. Finally stopped being overwhelmed by the lack of things we have (or don't have) in preparation for baby and bought some things (diapers!) Also 37 weeks. Which mean I am full term and baby can come any minute and be safe! Eeep!

----------------------------------------------

How far along? 37 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself a few days ago. I am 63.5 kgs, which means a weight gain of 13.5kgs.

Maternity clothes? Yes! Wearing the same old outfits day in and out. Decided that i'll just wear hoodies and jumpers and lots of scarf rather than buying new coats. Also tracky daks and dressing gown when i'm home.

Stretch marks? None so far. Tummy gets really red some days. It's an angry red. and getting itchy!

Symptoms: My tummy has dropped. Which means no more muscle stretch pains. Woo hoo! There are times when I can hardly breathe though, as though the belly is crushing me a little bit. Now that I'm not working, I have a bit more energy to do things, so I've been out about 3-4 hours a day and still feel ok. Had my second leg cramp in the morning too. That was excruciating. But thankfully it went as quickly as it got here!

Sleep:  Still good sleep! Last night i didn't even wake up and slept throughout! But there has been a few nights there I seem to have insomnia after waking up to pee.

Best moment these 2 weeks: Last week of work was beautiful - I love my workmates, they are the best and the sweetest. Had the girls sleepover AND  i loved spending time with them! Also conquering my fear of being overwhelmed at shops and finally feeling ok and ready for baby.

Have you told family and friends: Yes! Actively posting on Instagram :)

Miss Anything? Sashimi these days. And being slim and not being squashed.

Movement: Baby is still head down and engaged! Had my doctor's appointment and he says she's low down there. Not surprising. I could feel her being low. Baby is not too harsh with movement these days. But the funniest thing is Twitchy had a sleepless night and spent a few minutes watching baby move in my belly while i slept!

Food cravings: Vegetable and fruits. i don't eat enough of them these days. I still can't say i have cravings - more like food aversions (what I definitely don't want to eat!)


Anything making you queasy or sick: I've been cooking. And it's fine and dandy. But the lingering smell of garlic and ginger? Not too fond of it yet.

Baby is a: GIRL!

Belly Button in or out? Still In. Getting shallower. Still have a feeling it will pop soon. 


Wedding rings on or off? On. Doesn't look like my finger are going to swell.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy most of the time. But also anxiety at the thought of mum being here in a week and the thought of loosing my freedom. I pray to got that my patience runneth over and that I can bite and tongue and have thicker skin. I was also emotional a week or so ago at the thought of Twitchy and I no longer being just us two. I love him so much and I hope our love will never change, even with a baby in the picture.

Looking forward to: Enjoying the last week with hubbie before mum gets here. Embracing and cherishing more baby movements. And shopping a bit more and getting the place ready for baby.

Overwhelmed.

Visited a good friend who just had a newborn, and I am blown away by how unprepared we are. Today I am 37 weeks, which is full term! If baby were to arrive today, we'd be screwed.

I don't even have a burp cloth!

So I went to the shops after and had a small breakdown. What do I need. Where do I get it? How much? What's the best brand? Needless to say, I left and went home. Finally relaxing on the couch. What a scary world out there!

First day of Maternity Leave

It's the first day of my long maternity leave. I'm meant to relax and take it easy over the next two weeks, before mum arrives and start preparing for the arrival of baby. Don't really know when baby's going to arrive. I'm 37 weeks tomorrow - which means anytime between now onwards is safe for baby to make her entrance! Apparently it's common for the first child to arrive late. Which I am not looking forward to. I'm already feeling as big as a whale!

My last day of work last week was bittersweet. The boss and the workmates were so sweet, we even went to the pub for a few drinks and it's really nice to be working with people whom you care and will miss and I know I will be missed too! I was also anxious - not going to work for 9 months will be very odd. After all, thats all I know.

...and true enough, today I felt a little lost. I can't even relax, thinking I should be up and about and be a little more productive. And I have! Gym at 8am (yes decided i need to keep fit), running errands and paying bills in the morning. Watched TV mid morning, and grocery shopping after lunch. Here I am, and will be cooking a simple dinner for Twitchy - something I swore I will do to help out with the household budget.

Tomorrow I will buckle down and start preparing a shop list for baby!

Last week of work for 2013

It's my last week at work. As much as I thought I'd be ecstatic, I'm a little lost. I've never been on leave for this long before - will I be bored? Will I ever be the same when I return to work in March 2013?

One month to go

Twitchy and I spent half the weekend away from each other. Him with the boys on sat night, me with the girls on Sunday arvo. Also marked a successful weekend for me driving the x1 and familiarizing with it. It means that I will be ok when baby's here!!!

I visited a good friend of mine who just gave birth too. When I looked at their new addition,I just felt... In awe and ...a bit of panic! Omg. Just like that life changes!

So tonight I had a bit of a breakdown. Just think- twitchy and I , our relationship will never be the same again when baby's here! The more I think about it, the more significant it becomes. This is life changing! Baby, kids will be with us for at least another 20-25 years! We'll never be " the twitchy and I"  again. And I panicked. I love our us time. What if we never have this time ever again? So as I told Twitchy my fears earlier tonight I burst int tears.

I love baby, I really do. But I love Twitchy too, and I never want things to ever change. 10 years of just the two of us. It's a weird apprehension that I have no idea where it came from! But we had a good chat and I supposed things will never change unless we let it change us. There will always be date nights and we will always make time and effort for the two of us.

Love you Twitchy.xx u mean the world to me ( and baby)!

34 weeks

Post baby shower - we finally have some time to reflect and focus on baby. This week was also the last of our antenatal class, 5 weeks of 3 hour Tuesday night sessions going though birth prep, birth options and parenting. Whilst it was tiring (6-9pm after work!) it was also very informational and helped Twitchy and I think about things and know what to expect. It was also quite reassuring to be in a same room with 12 other couples.

Now that everything else is done and dusted, it's all about baby and preparing for baby!

--------------------------------------
How far along? 34 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Last time I saw the OBGYN, I am 60.5 kgs, which means a weight gain of 12kgs.

Maternity clothes? Yes! Wearing the same old outfits day in and out. It's also beginning to get really cold (it's the last week of Autumn) and most of my coats can't button. And all my fat coats are left in Canberra! Truly is a first world problem as I really don't want to but coats that I'd only wear for a month (and I intend to not be this big post baby).

Stretch marks? Not sure. Still applying lots of Clarins oil at night and the occasional cream in the day/after shower. Tummy gets really red some days, i don't know if its from the clothes/leggings I wear irritating and chafing the skin or stretch mark related....

Symptoms: In my last update, I was convinced that my ribs hurt, but since my last checkup with the OBGYN, I've been told it's actually my muscle being stretched. I actually the muscles tore a little as the pain is constant now. The only way I am mediating it is to have light meals or to go lie down after a heavy meal. My pimples are back! And I can no longer stand around too long, my back hurts after an hour of activity.

Sleep:  Still the best sleep of my life. I've never looked forward to going to bed everyday. This is even with the 2-3 trips I make to the toilet in the middle of my sleep! Although I am beginning to get the odd night or two where I feel restless.

Best moment these 2 weeks: Baby Shower and Housewarming was fun! The dessert table was divine. I think every girl deserves to have a dessert table decked up at least once in her life. It was also a good opportunity to have everyone visiting and looking at our place. Some of our friends were also so generous to buy expensive items from our gift registry! It was also my birthday and I enjoyed my quiet bday this year - just with my love.

Have you told family and friends: Yes. I've also uploaded pictures on fb, though not "publishing" to the wider audience. My tummy has popped too - so it is pretty obvious I'm about to become a mummy. Had a few comments from strangers about how cute I look and how pregnancy agrees with me? Hmmmm

Miss Anything? i miss having more energy and going for a run. I can't do as much as I'd like to. The mind says "let's go!". the body says "no". :(

Movement: Baby is now head down! We're all set! Lots of movements and sometimes I see a 45 degree rise on one side of the tummy. She loves stretching. and I've felt her soft feet a couple of times now. Baby is also very shy. She was very quiet when there were lots of people around at the baby shower. She prefers being in family grounds, just me & Twitchy!

Food cravings: Vegetable and fruits. i don't eat enough of them these days. and have the having too much carbs, i think! I still can't say i have cravings - more like food aversions (what I definitely don't want to eat!)


Anything making you queasy or sick: The smell of the bbq didn't make me sick at the housewarming. and I ate some of the chicken! We had a team planning day at the bosses' place and we had indian for dinner. Can't say I'm a fan. Which is strange. I usually loveeeee my curry.

Have you started to show yet: Yes! I have a big tummy and it's getting in everyone's way. I'm a bit cheeky that way - using it to bump Twitchy around.

Baby is a: GIRL!

Belly Button in or out? Still In. Getting shallower. I still have a feeling it will pop soon. 


Wedding rings on or off? On. Doesn't look like my finger are going to swell.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy and euphoric. We bought a whole new tv system yesterday (tv, sound system), blur ray and wall mounts. We have talked about buying it for a while, but didn't think it will happen as we were trying to save some money for the baby. But did it anyway! Then we bought our first big baby items - pram, bassinet & car capsule! Woo Hoo! Also have been receiving baby registry items so we are getting there. Finally getting all prepped for BABY!

Looking forward to: ......continuing to furnish baby room, buying baby items & finishing up work in 2 weeks!