6 weeks plus

The past week has been a lot easier for me and I guess, for baby. Baby K was noticeably easier to settle, slept better and best of all started interacting with us. She would smile, coo, talk and sing with TWitchy and I.

Last night was a milestone as well. She slept in her bassinet. She still had her feeds every 3-4 hours but gosh, what a relief to have her sleeping in the bassinet😅😅

How am I feeling? I have my good and bad days. I finally  got the nuts to drive out and attend mothers group with baby on tuesday.On my own! that was quite an experience, one that I am immensely proud of!

Thursday i had my 6 week post partum OBGYN check up and yesterday, we brought baby to her 6 week checkup with the paediatrician. Both of us got the clean bill of health. We're all set to conquer the world!

I am still living one day at a time, and I still don't know how I feel or how baby is. Motherhood is so far an odd experience. I wouldn't call it liberating (in fact it can be suffocating!) but as I've learnt the past few weeks, the smiles, coos and looks are rewarding enough to keep me going....

Good weekend - turning point?

Just when I feel hopeless, there comes a ray of light. Baby was so well behaved this weekend. Twitchy, myself and baby were able to brunch at a cafe on both days, and it was a leisurely brunch too. Bubs was asleep throughout. But I sometimes feel bubs channel their mum's mood. Calm mum = happy baby. Easier said than done. When you're low and so exhausted its hard to feel anything but low!

I shall remember this weekend to tide me over during difficult days..

Much better

Yesterday I've never felt so low ( except for the first few days of baby's life in the hospital), helpless and hopeless. It's a bad low moment in my life.

Today I woke up with a sense of determination. I was determined to not let myself feel that way. To stop crying and do something to lift myself up. So I got twitchy to wake me up early in the morning, and I quickly showered and clean myself before caring for baby. It worked.

It was a much more better day. Baby slept, I was calmer.....even had a nap together at midday. But come late afternoon, I suddenly feel suffocated. Suddenly all I can think about is how I have nothing much to look forward to. Every night and every day is the same..... So I decided to immediately get out  of the house and walk up the block. Glad I did...felt a little better.

People say this gets easier. I sure hope so.

Loneliness is suffocating

Today I am home alone. I have not lived this life of being home alone with a newborn. 

Mum came when I was 39 weeks and left 5 weeks post partum. 

Tears keep streaming down my face as I miss the interaction I had with mum. Every now and then I feel so scared, so alone, I just can't breathe! 

The house feels empty. Even with the tv on, it's just too quiet..

Baby K was also extremely clingy today. Perhaps she sensed my anxiety. 

I know I can do this. I just need to get into this new routine. Give me a few days. I will get there. I will be stronger. I will stop crying. In time I will breathe again....

5 weeks and mum leaves

Mum went home today. After 7 weeks of being here, she has finally left to go home. You'd think I'd be happy - after all the fights, arguments and whinging that we had to endure.... But far from it. I miss my mummy!

Got a little teary at the airport as she left and spent the rest of the day emotional and in tears. We always clash, we have our differences. But at the end of the day I know mum loves me, she just has the strangest way of showing it. And I truly appreciate all the things she has done the past 7 weeks. She made sure I was well fed, had enough sleep and even taught us a few things about minding the baby.

I feel a little sad that we always end up saying hurtful things to each other. I know I regret saying some things and I am fairly sure she does too, perhaps we are too alike in some manner.

I am so used to life with baby with my mum around. Now I have to be on my own. Well I used to be alone, it's just that I now have a baby to care. How terrifying is that? How am I going to cook, clean, eat and use the bathroom while caring for baby K, who has yet to sleep on her own in the bassinet?

I am petrified. I am lonely.

Rain on my parade

Had such a wonderful day up to this point. Made a spontaneous trip out to the shops and conquered my fear of going out with baby. Mum and I put baby in the car, went to the shops and shopped, got my hair washed and blow dried and then back home.

Then evening came and I cracked it. I absolutely lost my patience and cussed at my mom. Told her I can't wait for Sunday when she leaves and that I've had enough. It wasn't just me, she said some things in the horrible exchange.

Mothers. I have never had a smooth relationship with my one. There has always been favoritism when I was young (when she openly admitted her preference over my brother to a neighbour). Then there are the countless times she openly called me names, and god knows how many times she has said the most hurtful things. That mothers don't usually say to their children.

I can only pray I don't turn into her in the future. Well no. I am determind to NOT be her! My relationship with my daughter will not be one of hurt and unhappiness, or lack of communication or expression.

I don't know where I'm getting at. Perhaps I wished I kept my cool and not say what I truly felt earlier. But I think I have been doing well in containing myself over the past 6 weeks and there is only so much one can take.

One month old and a birth story

Baby K is one month old today. Truly a special occasion as we reflect and look back at this special one month. It sure has been challenging, and in fact I am going through an unsettled sleep period the past two days but come daylight, the look on her face is enough to melt my heart.

Baby's grown a fair bit. She's chubbier, happier and a little more interactive (she smiles sometimes and I'm fairly sure she is beginning to coo). She's feeding like a champion, and i hope within the next two weeks will sleep like a champion too.

To mark this special day, here's her long awaited birth story. One that I will cherish forever and ever. and ever.

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7 July 2013

3am : checked into the Mater Hospital. Was immediately led to a delivery suite and examined by the midwife. Was 3 cm dilated and was left to have a sleep and to be examined in a few hours.

8am :  No progress and the waters have yet to break even though I have contractions 5 mins apart. My usual OBGYN was on leave, so his partner was there examining me. He suggested that we break the waters to speed things up. I reluctantly agreed (was afraid of the pain). Surprisingly though the waters breaking did not hurt at all – It is a strange feeling to have a gush of warm water flowing out! Not so soon after the contractions began intensify and hurt a lot more.

From then to 11am, I was in active “Labour”. Boy, now I know what it truly means to be in labour. It was horrid! I was using breathing techniques at first but then the pain got too intense. The midwife suggested gas, which I promptly accepted! The gas only worked for a short while though. Got a little too woozy and wasn’t standing straight which worried Twitchy immensely.

11am :  The OBGYN examined me and  found that I had only dilated by another cm! Which was not quick enough. The thought of another few hours of labour was enough to reduce me to tears. So I asked for Epidural, and the OBGYN and midwife suggested that I get the hormone drip to speed things up. Which I agree.

The Anaesthetist came by and immediately got me sorted with Epidural. It wasn’t as scary as I thought as I was pretty much out of it! I felt a small prick on my back and that was it. I reckon the contractions were heaps more painful!

The relief was immediate – I was able to joke and  hold a conversation. And I fell asleep shortly after.

1:30pm : Woke up to  the midwife coming back to check on me, and in walked MY OBGYN with her. He was on leave but came back in to deliver my baby (along with 3 others in the delivery suite. What a relief. I didn’t mind the other guy but it’s nice to know that the person who has been seeing me through the pregnancy will b delivering the baby! He examined me and found that I was already fully dilated. Which meant I went from 4cm to 11cms within the one hour! He then says we’ll alright to go but will wait for baby to come further down the birth canal and for us to rest. He’ll be back to deliver later in the afternoon.

So Twitchy and I spent the rest of the afternoon reading and sleeping (him reading, me sleeping).

4:30pm : in walks my OBGYN and midwife and it’s showtime. In three pushes, and with the help of the suction, baby was out! I didn’t feel any pain at all, thanks to the epidural. But definitely some pressure to help me push!

He told Twitchy to reach down and twitchy felt baby’s head. And then told me to reach out as well. I felt her arm. Then he told us to pull….and we pulled baby out and on to my chest!

4:56pm : Hello baby! What a magical moment to have baby on my chest, in my arms. Baby K hardly cried. She spend the first few moments staring at both Twitchy and I and snuggled up on my chest.  She was able to breastfeed within the hour and poop the next!

4 weeks

Bethany was 4 weeks old yesterday. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already! 4 weeks also mark the end of my confinement and Bethany's first full moon( full month). In true blue tradition, we threw a small celebration and had family and friends over on Saturday. I kept the group to a very small number. I really didn't want to overwhelm baby with too many unfamiliar faces.

The "party" was a success. I only had 4 friends, and 4 family members.  Even then the two grandmothers were occupied and hogged the baby the entire time. I got to hang out with friends and chat.

The best part of the celebration? The food! Got the traditional stuff catered. Mmmm yum

And of course there were macaroons :)

Back to Bethany, my baby has grown so quickly this month. Even every other day, when Twitchy and I look at baby, we get surprised by how much she's grown. Getting really sentimental here!

Mum leaves in a week, which means I will be left alone to care for baby AND fend for myself! I am so nervous about this but I guess I should learn to be independent! ( well I was independent before the past 6 weeks when she came and took over our life and baby's arrival....)

Mum and I don't always get along but I know she has good intentions and she looked after her baby (me) while I looked after my new baby. It's never easy crossing generational gaps and  coming over to a foreign land to do it. So I will forever be grateful. Sheesh, getting a little emotional here.

Next post - how I ventured out into the sun for the first time in a month!