Try

Try to understand me
Try to understand what I mean when I say I’m alright or I’m ok or I’m fine.

I’m not.

And for the last time, I’m NOT strong. I don’t want to be strong
I just want to run away.

What dreams may come

i remember watching this movie. I was depressed then. but it gave me the sense of peace i needed.

So I don’t care if there is(or not) something going on between the two of you.
Why drag me into this? I don’t need your sympathy, I certainly didn’t feel the need to witness the revolting intimacy.

Why me? Why put me through the uncomfortable silence of a stranger? To be enthusiastically faking happiness, to reminisce days that was never mine, to relive the pain of going through puberty.

So my life sucks. You win.
I hope u are happy talking and “sympathising” with my sad sad life.
One day you’ll understand.

I came back anticipating tough times. And boy, was I ever right.
I don’t think I can even write about it. I’m just so…..tired.

Why?

Video break

This is wayyy sexy


and i like this song


So maybe i like emma bunton.....hmmmm

Dark Morning

It’s still dark at 7:15 in the morning. Aptly reflecting how I am feeling at the moment. An sms sent me scurrying for a flight and 12 hours later, here I am.
Where do I start? What do I do?


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Its not so bad after all. Or was it cause I was expecting worst? Or are things much better because I’m home? Why do I feel so foreign here? So….out of place, amongst cafes, or chinese ballads, of the funny sounding English on tv and radio? Not to mention the obligatory smile, and hospitality to the endless amount of relatives, some who are rude….

I miss my safe cocoon.

Patience

lyrics - Take That Lyrics

I just had a fortune cookie.

"Grace is the divine ability to copy with every circumstance"

what a fucking joke.

Irony kills

I feel sick

Multiple Myeloma. Sounds harmless. but if u wiki it. You know.
You won’t be able to breathe.

And here I am. At crossroads again.

What do I do next?

It’s 10pm and I start working tomorrow. Precisely at 9am. I’m a nervous wreck, I feel shitty as it is and can feel panic attacks coming my way. I desperately need to speak to someone and guess what? The boy went to bed. What a pig. See. This is what happens when you been together with someone for so long. They take you for granted…Never mind the fact that you’re upset, there’s heaps of chores to do - laundry to be folded and ironed and dishes to wash. What does the boy do? SLEEP!

I liken this to a see saw relationship; u’re always on the ground, the other person’s in the air and enjoying himself without caring if you’re hurting at all.

I hate you.

It is pure torture to not being able to satisfy a craving immediately.

Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa.

Sigh…

...

Every so often I get this nagging feeling which makes me break out in sweat. I guess it can be classified as a panic attack with difficulty in breathing and cold sweat dripping down my back.

Every so often, my paranoid mind reminds me that Dad is not getting any younger. Dad recently had a minor operation to remove two lumps off his back. Two cyst, which hopefully be benign when the biopsy results comes out.

I don’t know what else is there to say. The guilt, the pain….Someone please tell me what to do.

Observe the Cycle

Pink-brown-black'ish-shedding of skin-white again.

Within 3 days my sunburnt skin went through THE cycle and I’m back at one. I wish I can tan like those girls who turn golden brown and not red lobster and then shedding snake. SSSighhhhhhhhhhhh

Now before I get a lecture about protecting my skin from the big C word, let it be known that I slapped on heaps of sunscreen while at the beach. It’s just that when I jump in the water, I tend to let loose. Hey I was having too much fun, alright?
I miss the beach, I’m glad I live close enough to one (within 20 mins drive) but beachside holidays with friends….it’s just blissful. After all, how many more of these days do we have left? The ones were we can afford to be silly and spend and not be committed to anything else? The days are numbered….

Untill the next Road Trip which I have tentatively scheduled for the Aust Day Long Weekend. Woo hoo!

I like looking at wedding photos.

Contrary to what you think you know why I do it, you don’t. Stop speculating. I just like looking at happy faces, colourful festivities, etc. So yeah. It’s a thing I do. Leave me alone. And it’s just that S I M P L E.

WTF

WTF

Yesterday I succumbed to a tan in a can. After all, it’s Sunless, hence safe from the big C and etc etc. How hard can it be, just spray, lather on, and “Walla!!!” Golden brown skin. Easy Safe and instant!

Boy, was I wrong. I woke up this morning to see my body in streaks! Imagine the horror! And I’m hitting the beach with friends tomorrow too…Arghhhh

I ran down to the grocers to buy lemon juice, because it apparently lightens up spray tans….and my other plan-of-action is to sunbake on my balcony later today….

Fingers Crossed!

It’s so strange. I woke up at 3:30am. With a dream. And thought. I must blog about this. And now that I’m here, I can’t recall what it was. 0_o
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There’s a futon in the living room, which I’ve had since my Uni. It used to be my bed back then and I fondly recall some good memories. Not the bedroom kind, the being-in-my-life-throughout-the-transition-from-Uni-Student-to-whatever-I-am-now kind. This futon’s travelled a fair bit and still has its use as a couch or guestbed for the last 2 years. The boy has been cajoling me into selling it and buying a spiffy looking sofa to complement the newer one in the pic below but I find myself dragging my feet. Sure, its an ugly looking futon; it’s not comfortable, as it is lumpy …but I find myself curling in the comfort of the “ugliness” for a snooze or for a read. I just don’t know why. I guess I am a sentimental fool.
I guess I’d have to let go...


...Not before I purchase my priorities – a coffee table, a rug, a painting and a tv stand!Tee hee hee hee!

I’m feeling restless today.
So I finally peeled the bathrobe off me and had a bubble bath.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
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I called my old work today, thinking I could speak to a girlfriend of mine. Of all people guess who picked up the reception phone? The fake and socially incompetent asshole. SIGH. Hearing his voice makes me want to vomit blood….*vomits blood*
I could heard the smirk in his voice while he says “ so you’re in between jobs again? Seems like you’re constantly on holiday”….
Well….FUCK YOU, LOSER.

The weather, the madness (who would have thought it would snow 2 weeks to summer) the howling wind, the freezing temperature 7degrees at the moment.
I’m gonna make myself a cup of milo and not get out of my bathrobe! Lurve it!
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I had a tiff with the boy yesterday. Just a tiff, nothing serious but it got me thinking….perhaps it would be better for us to take time off, perhaps we need space from each other. Mebbe we shouldn’t be living together…… Of course, none of these ideas would materialise.
Why? For some weird reason I can never stay mad at the boy for long. My mouth, my face tends to smile whenever I see him. It’s terrible in a situation where I’m trying to prove my point! Gotta train myself to stay angry. How would he learn otherwise? I know, I’m such a girl. Can’t help it though. Damn exercise. Blame it on the raging endorphins!

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Yes I am jumpy in my last two entrees but my thoughts are all over the place and I decided to stuff being organised and just write whatever comes to mind. Heh!

Compiling 4 years worth of photos.

Thanks to digital cameras, I can’t remember the last time I had my pictures developed. Nothing can be compare to a hard copy photo, I reckon. After all, they are memories….
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Here are some things that have been bugging me for a while.
I know I can be a doormat sometimes but….

Mat, what makes you think I would just whip out my credit card so that you can use to book ticket flights? I mean, really, we don’t hang out much except for when we’re at clubs and barely know each other. I bet you don’t even know what my last name is. So, really, mate. If you regard us as friends or if you’d respect me, you’d understand why I’m doing the things I’m doing.

Maybe both of you were born when the stars were almost aligned the same way..

That’s the only explanation that a girlie and I could come up with.
I had a road trip over the weekend, to a little town a little more than an hour away.
It was meant to be an escape from the big smoke, just to take it easy and chill – and it was great! Strangest thing happened though, while at the little town, standing by the main road, and the one and only street. I heard someone call out my name.

I turned around and there he is. My Ex- MD from Canberra. Him out of Canberra, Me out of the Big Smoke bumping into each other in a little town out in woop woop. I swear there’s some sort of chemistry between the two of us. A freaky moment.
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Here’s an excerpt of a conversation I had today…

i miss KL says:
u know what's even more sad? as i was obssesed with 90210...i was obssessed with going to 7-11...n remember thining, man i wish i could grow up faster n go to 7-11 anytoime i want...(last itme have to get permission la have to go with adult la)
Me says:
OMG.
i miss KL says:
sad rite
Me says:
I WAS OBSESSED about getting my first kiss
if any of my boy friends are BOYFRIEND materials
i miss KL says:
hahaha but i guess i have achieved my goal
hahaha
me too me too
hahah
Me says:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
and we'd tell our parents we go padang to play but actually go to subang parade...
this is when we were 12
i miss KL says:
kekekekekek
sigh those were the days man
Me says:
and then us girls would role play
u be kelly, i'd be brenda...and u'd be donna and andrea
hahahahaha
BIG SIGH
i miss KL says:
shit man i forgot the characters' names liao
o wait that it was wayyyyyyyyyyyy cool if u knew how to dance the 'theme' dance of 90210
muaahaaahaaaahaaa

Busted! Looking back, I doubt I understood what the show was really about. All that matters then was how cool it was!