...

Today our closest and dearest friends, who have been together for 5 years announced that they are separating because HE wanted to move overseas. It's something he's always wanted to do but obviously the plans didn't involve her, or never did...

I knew him way before her. But she became one of my closest friends. One whom I trusts, one whom I regard really highly of. They are both in our bridal party.

When they broke the news to us, I felt like crying. I know she's breaking inside but keeping a strong front.

They probably don't know how much I am affected by it. But I feel nothing but pain. I held it all together until when I got back to the car, and sadness overcame me.

This song is one she sang once, and I shall forever remember this as she sang it with so much heartfelt, even months ago, that I tear up whenever I listen to it.

Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?

Happy 10 years

Tonight we celebrated 10 years of being together. Everyday I love you even more, Twitchy.

Never again

I hate hate hate my life at the moment. I'm still sick- its been 2 weeks now. Diet is non existent. Lonely as hell, no social life since I get home from work at 7pm and try to rest up to get well.

And I'm still sick! So worn out, so depressed. I hate my work!

Lonely and sick

I haven't really mention it before but I was summoned in Melbourne for the month of May, to manage a bid.

This came as a huge shock because:

1) I wasn't given much notice- 3 days, in fact
2) I had no idea what I was in for - I was basically told to come down and help out
3) I don't do bids!! I have done bids early on in my career, but not managing them. It's beyond what I usually do
4) I am reporting to the Big Boss, which means I had to drop everything I was working on to work on this. And when I get back to my old job, my boss would have left for his month long hols
5) I turn 30, and have lots left to do on my wedding prep

Needless to say, I wasn't keen at all! It is a good job opportunity, proving myself to the company and doing the best I can. And I get to be in Melbourne- heavily preggers BFF is here, family here...

But I was torn. I was finally in the best shape of my life. I have a set routine and finally settling into life. I really don't want to be away from home!

.....

Anyway, here I am. It's been 2 weeks since i've been here... I went home the first weekend to celebrate my bday, then flew back to work on Monday.

Work is... Horrendous, yet satisfying. It has been an average of 12 hour workdays. 7 am to 7pm. I hardly see daylight. We commute 20kms to the west. Bid central is located on top of a depot in an industrial area. I got on top of work within days of being here. The team and the boss is a bit more calm with me managing the bid. So in that aspect, it has been rewarding.

However....I fell sick the beginning of week 2 and have been miserable since. It's hell, being alone in the hotel, without the comforts of home and nursing a fever, sore throat and flu.

It was an emotional roller coaster. Not one I share with anyone at work, but definitely a huge effect on me. I never thought I'd turn into one of those weak whining chicks but I did. It was just too difficult.

Fiancé popped by this weekend and we were both sick but it was still nice to have him around. And fiancé left today. And I broke.

How am I gonna survive another 2 weeks of being here?

30 and dirty?

So I had the bestest birthday ever! Threw an 80's theme party and had about 30 of my closest and dearest there. It was such a good feeling, to celebrate and rekindle some friendships that have been fading, well, not fading but kinda lost. Which seem imminent not that we're all older and busier lives.

Nevertheless I felt so loved, and am forever thankful to have people who care so much about me. My friends are my family and sometimes even closer than my family.

I love you all and I will always remember this special moment.

Bridesmaids Dresses

One big tick!

Saturday (28 April) was a momentous occasion. We found THE bridesmaids dresses at the second store we went to. The day started simple enough, took my gown over to my girl friend's and then tried it there. Then we went looking at a few stores and got her to try of a few dresses. Let's just call her SweetPea. Sweetpea is a bridesmaid at our wedding and she has been a pillar of support. She has been my pillar of strength over the past few years and truly one in a million.

It was fun, dressing up Sweetpea like a life-size doll! Anyway, we found the dress at the second store we were at, which coincidently is a couple of blocks again from home! And they were having a sale!

The dress, called "Mia" was on sale and after a fair bit of negotiation - had to play hardball to get the costs down - I decided to go for it! It's still slightly above my intended budget but I think its worth the little extra. Sweetpea looked amazing and the dress complimented her tiny frame!

Well there you go. Bridesmaids dresses - DONE!

Meltdown over

The day started well enough. Yesterday, I mean....We went to the cliffs, a scenic landscape, to contemplate, to see something new... Which was nice enough...

Then afternoon came, and I started to feel restless. Ate a packet of chips, then when even that failed, I went out to get this

And this...

And then went straight to bed. The End of a crappy day.

Never forget

5 years ago, on this very same day (Wednesday) daddy passed away.

The day my heart broke for the second time. Things have never been the same since.

I miss you dad. What I'd give to have you around, to talk to.
To walk down the aisle and have our dance

Wedding Cakes...part 2

My awesome weekend started with a wedding cake consultation. After a one-hour discussion on our ideal cake, we were finally given a quote of $850 for a two-tier cake.

The cake designer was an absolute delight. He was so outrageous, we hit it off immediately. Ahhh i wouldn't hesitate to work with them if they weren't so pricey! But check out what we were given to take home!!!

Of being size 8

I don't think I've mentioned my weight loss win, I have reached my "true weight" a few weeks ago.  What an enormous achievement!

Since then I've been on a short trip overseas, (where Dukan is virtually impossible in an Asian country) and indulged in Easter chocolates. One week back into the diet routine and here I am, at my "true weight" once again. 

I have decided to aim for an additional loss of 3kg, I predict that this would be quite a challenge. Nevertheless, I hope to reach this goal within the next 3 weeks!

I'm also now a size 8! 

I can't remember the last time I wear size 8 clothes. *teary eye*

I'm very proud of myself. And rightfully so.

Wedding Cakes...part 1

Had a shitty week but I'm currently doing something to balance out the unhappiness. 

Who would have thought that shopping for wedding cakes would have been so therapeutic?

If I weren't pushing to loose more kgs (minus 12 and counting) I would have loved to holler...

"Get In Muh Belly!"

True Weight

As of this morning, I have reached my "True Weight*"! I have lost 13kgs since Christmas!!!

Wowser!

I feel incredible, what a huge achievement. I've always maintained that I'd climb back on top. Be at the top of my game before i ever have kids. This is it!

What next? I'm going on a mini holiday this weekend (5 days!) and will aim to loose the holiday weight and an addition of 2+kg. Wish me luck!

*True Weight is a realistic, healthy weight that can help attain and maintain for the rest of your life. It takes into consideration a multitude of elements, such as family history, age, gender, how easily you put on weight, your height, your history of dieting, and so on.

Do your own homework!

Bridezilla rant *on*

Dear girl,

Love you to bits but can you, for f&ck sake get your act together and do your own homework? I'm really happy you've found Mr Right, even more that he propose. God knows how happy I am that we are able to share such happy moments in our life....but...

It's bad enough you decided to go with my photographer, even though you knew she is my photographer. Seriously? Who does that? Can you be a little bit more original?

Then you got us to meet up for breakfast, under false pretences. Felt as though you were trying to squeeze us for our supplier list. You put us in such uncomfortable situation, I felt paranoid that you were just there to gather "intelligence".

I hate that I have to get up to the point where I can't reveal who my suppliers are, or fake ignorance.

Well, I can't wait till we can actually kick back and enjoy each others company again, because frankly, at this rate, I don't want to see you until you get your shit sorted.

Love,
The more organised bride.

Bridezilla rant *off*

...Yes, I'm calling this a bridezilla post. It seems so trivial, to be upset over such little things in the grand scheme of life. But I can't help being upset! I can't help but feel as though my ideas are being stolen, right from under my nose. All the hard work, all the contacts....

....that never happened

After all the fanfare, the engagement shoot was called off due to poor weather.

I was gutted!

Yes, it was raining the entire day, but we thought it'd clear come sunset.

There were lots of umm'ing and ahh'ing with the photographer and makeup artist during midday, but after looking at the rain radar, Mr Other Half and I decided to go ahead, figuring that a little rain might actually be...romantic!

Unfortunately by 3pm, the photographer decided against the shoot, perhaps she didn't want to take any chances.  But by then, we'd bought our props (flowers and cupcakes), and I was already getting my hair and makeup done!

Mr Other Half event spent a couple of hours picking up cupcakes and playing florist while I was away!

4pm, and the weather was clearing up.

Just as Mr Other Half and I thought, grey skies would clear up! See the ray of light? It was all clear throughout sunset. which would have been perfect for a shoot!

How disappointing...

I'm trying to be positive, but I'm always irked when I can't kill two birds with one stone - get my makeup and hair done AND a photo shoot. Coulda, Woulda, SHOULDA!!!

...but on a positive note, my makeup and hair was perfect! The artist was not only professional, but also very nice! I felt like a princess, and can't wait for everyone to see them at the wedding. We even had time to try 4 hairstyles, take pictures of them and I can now take my time to decide which one I'd like on the BIG DAY.

We've rescheduled for a 7am shoot next month. Will be doing the sun dance until then.

Engagement shoot

I can't remember the last time I took a day off work, for something that's not holiday related. Today's a big day for me, it's a milestone!

I'm getting my hair and makeup trial done today to coincide with our engagement shoot. Me! I don't even know what veil i'd be wearing or if i'd like my hair up or down on that day.

Getting a hair and makeup done is so...final! Eeeep!

Also, been spending the past month stressing out over the engagement shoot - who would have thought props for a one/two hour shoot would cause so much stress?

Wish me luck!

Insomniac

Nobody ever tells you the hidden perils of wedding planning. The panic and anxiety of wanting THE wedding, of wanting a wedding that is absolutely unique to you and him.

And defining what makes you, you!

I'm want a wedding that's special, not only to me and him, but to all our guests.

Am I asking for too much?

I've been having many sleepless nights, worrying of crap like that. I don't know if it's entirely attributed to wedding planning - apparently being on diet does that to you.

....ok again

And just like that I'm ok again.

I have faith in the boy and myself, nobody can replicate our relationship and who we are.

And certainly not gonna sweat over the small stuff.

You don't have to stand out to be special.... and that's really us, in essence.

We're us :)

Why!?

One of my bridesmaids, who is getting married a month after me will be booking with the same photographer. MY PHOTOGRAPHER.

I am so dismayed. Why would anyone do that, especially with the circumstances? Our weddings are so close, and the photographer already doing mine?

:(

Fretting at 2am

The first few weeks when we got engaged, I was constantly awake in the wee hours of the morning, stressing over the venue, photographers, videographers and stylist. It was all about having choices, and making the right decision.

...I've been really lucky, being able to lock in my favourite (at a costly prize). 

I've had a good sleep for the past month, so why am I stressing out now? I'm a little disturbed that my suppliers haven't engaged me since. It's that lack of communication that's bothering me. Yes I need to be assured that they would engage us as a couple - how else can they capture us in action, getting married?

Maybe I am bridezilla. After all, the wedding's 7 months away...

RIP Whitney

I've made many remarks in the past, about how we all see it coming, how she publicly struggled with drugs.

But the saddest thing is to know is that she didn't die of it after all. And just when life was getting a little better from the many volatile years ago.

Found the dress, now what?

I'd like to say I'm a fairly chilled out bride. It's 7 months out and I've got most of the important stuff sorted. 

1. Wedding reception venue(s) - check
2. Photographer(s) - check
3. Videographer - check
4. Church - check
5. Gown - check
6. Church - check
7. Makeup and hair - check!

I pretty much spent the last month losing weight. (9kgs gone, 4 to go - wooooo hoooo!)

My next big project is THE engagement shoot. Wish me luck!

7 down, 5 to go

Miss Piggy was my breaking point. After waking up in sweat at the thought of being a fat bride with massive back cleavage, I vowed to get into shape, to be in the best shape of my life. After all, if I don't do something about this now, at this time in my life, when will I ever have the chance?

Today I am 7 kgs lighter than I was 5 weeks ago. Went on a 4-week Dukan diet, with one week break (being on holidays). I feel like one of those "after" models, holding up my fat pants. I never thought I'd ever get here! I've never felt this healthy my entire life.

I'm feeling really good, it's so tempting to shout this great achievement of mine from the rooftop. But I guess modesty is key, isn't it? 5 more kgs and I shall indulge and celebrate.

Loving it!

First wedding gown trial

Last Saturday, I did something I've been dreading.

I went to try wedding gowns.  No biggie there, didn't feel "emotional" at all. Instead, i tried ball gowns, princess cuts, mermaid cuts, one shoulder, straps, strapless, sleeves and no sleeve. In fact, I had so much fun I thought that perhaps I'm one of those lucky ones who do not succumb to emotions.

..I spoke too soon. Turned into an emotional wreck at night. I could think about is how much I'm missing my brother and dad. 

:(

Sigh.

Set the date, set the date!

What an immense relief.  After weeks of stressing and looking, we've finally decided on the wedding venues. Most importantly, the date! We've set the date!

The countdown begins!

Gotta loose weight....stat!

While furiously researching about the oversea wedding (yes I will be having two wedding reception), it occurred to me that I would have a limited time frame to loose the 10 kgs that I envision before dress fittings and pre-wedding photos. 

...Eep.

Or the wedding photos might look a little something like this...

Angst (and hurray for the blogger app)

I'm angry. There, I've said it. Just when I'm about to fade into an old, content (and almost unrecognisable) lady, my teenage angst emerges.

- I'm angry I never got the say on when events in my life should happen.
- I'm angry that even though things are seemingly falling into place, I feel as alone as ever.
- I'm angry and am tired of waiting.
- I'm angry I don't have an outlet to vent, that I can't even drink or smoke or act out. Even Twitter is reduced to cryptic 140 rants, with increasing "friend" followers.

Gone were the days I could just express myself and be anonymous.

So thank fuck for the Blogger app. I'm back!

Yes!

He proposed. On the 3rd of October 2011, he finally popped the question. No romantic speech, no big romantic lead up. A verbal vomit on Mission Beach, Qld , on the first night of our vacay.

It was a sweet gesture. And its at a beautiful setting - on the balcony of our beach front getaway. And he picked the perfect ring. What more can I ask? I am so blessed.

Yearning....

People who know me would find it hard to believe, but I think I'm there. I've lost a few years.... a few years of living in a smog, partying up a storm, I think I'm there.  After being in a 8-year relationship, I think there is a need for an affirmation of some sort. Perhaps it's my biological clock ticking, or me slowing down, or simply just growing up, I want so much more in my life...

I feel like I'm wasting away, waiting....and there are moments I feel I'm being taken for granted.  Yet, have I any choice? I never want to be the one who gives the ultimatum. I can't say anything. I'm gagged. I'm stuck. 

...and there's a niggling feeling, a fear of growing old and being played....

 

Halloween

I have a thirst. A thirst I can't seem to quench....

Happy Halloween! Is it just me, or are people getting more and more into "it"?

I don't remember much of Halloween in my childhood, just the occassional party. My only memory of "dressing up" for a halloween party was wearing a witches' hat one year. That's it. But, hey, we sure as well made up for it the past few years!

In fact, in almost every party the last few years!

I try to steer away from drama genre movies, especially the ones about someone dying from cancer.
The pain is just too fresh, too painful.

But today I got cheated into watching one. Damn it. I hate "The Last Song".
:(

food I live for

Had my wisdom teethe extracted a couple of days ago. While I certainly don't feel any different on an intellectual level (get it? get it?) I realise one important thing. There is a reason why I am never ever going to be skinny. I love food. Oh the agony of not being able to eat. I can only have that much soup.

Oh and another thing. Hungry me = grumpy me.

Choking

Awww man, woke up with a horrible sense of dread. Had another one of those nightmares again. Please.Let this be what it really should be. A nightmare. That's it. Please.

Karma

i believe in karma, i truly do. Surely if there is justice in the world, something would have been done to the bitching, the malice, the politics and the unfairness at work?

Problem is, can karma hit these people any sooner so that I can watch?

:'(

Personality Traits of Taurus Women

I am never one who follows horoscopes, I've never taken them seriously. Yesterday, during a team meeting at work, we were exchanging star signs, and I announced that I am a Taurus, along with 3 others. The boss commented that it is very obvious that I am a Taurus. That comment got me curious....so I googled it, of course!


Personality Traits of Taurus Women

A typical Taurean woman can be described as loving, reliable, artistic, attentive, gentle, calm and patient. She is introvert and deeply sensual, with considerable moral and emotional courage. She has a practical approach. She is loyal to her friends and stands by them in any situation.

Physical Appearance

Being ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, a Taurean woman is blessed with a charming and fascinating personality. Due to her magnetic personality, she becomes center of attraction in any party or event. Taurean woman typically has a rounded body with a thick neck and a broad forehead. She has a beautiful complexion, bright eyes, dark hair, broad shoulders and well-developed muscles. She has a nice, friendly way of communication. Taurean women are very careful about their appearance and need to have a strict diet to attain slimness. They are very careful about their appearance, be it hairstyle, beauty treatments or wearing attractive clothes.

General Nature

Taurean woman is generally very calm by nature. She is able to put up with lot of stress. She has a strong willpower with moral and emotional courage. She is capable of handling any serious problems. She is really dependable and faithful. She has got lots of patience. She is able to withstand great hardship.

Health

Taurean women generally enjoy good health. They are less sensitive to pains. But when they fall ill, the recovery is slow, because they are not cooperative to the doctor due to their stubborn nature. They can suffer from the diseases of throat and lower abdomen such as throat infection, diphtheria, tonsils, colds, constipation, etc. They may also suffer from sore eyes and pimples. For maintaining good health, they need to avoid cold stuffs and increase an intake of green vegetables.

Career

A career that requires social interaction is most suitable for the Taurean women. Since Taurean women lack in originality, they are not able to initiate great plans. They can follow the ideas of others. Due to great organization skills, Taurean women can effectively work in the world of politics and finance. They can be excellent artists, photographers and gardeners.

Love, Romance and Relationship

Taurean women are very romantic when in love and develop a strong emotional bond. Taurean woman can be a loving, caring, romantic partner. But, jealousy can be a severe problem in their relationships. Taurean women are most compatible with the people who belong to signs Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn and Pisces.

Marriage

Generally, Taurean woman takes a long time to select her life partner. Once married, she proves to be a devoted, ideal wife. She is really careful about her husband and children. She is a good homemaker and cook.

Negative Traits

Taurean women are too possessive about their belongings. They are too lazy and have a tendency to live life the easy way. They are somewhat stubborn and lose some good opportunities due to this nature. Being fond of food, they have a tendency to gain weight.

In a nutshell, beautiful, loyal, romantic Taurean women are an ideal friend, romantic lover and caring mother. Their dynamic, pleasant existence can brighten your life.

Great Expectations

I've learnt, time and time again to never put too much expectations on the ones around me. After all, it's true what they say, the higher you built something, the harder it comes crashing down.

I eat

I eat because I'm bored

I eat because I'm angry

I also eat to stop the tears from falling.

Undisclosed Desires

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

 
 
 

---

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Effed state of mind

Sometimes I'm torn between wanting something so badly and not getting it and running away in the opposite direction if it were on fingertips.

The scariest thing is, I feel the urge to act out and drink myself into oblivion. Live the hedonistic lifestyle. Who cares? Right? No point holding back if I don't know where I'm going...



I just want to escape. Stay in a trance, in a Tiesto rave.

This works

Figured out a way to update the blog while on the go... Watch this space.

Brutal thoughts

So a dear friend has decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. And me, having kept this little gem to myself, decided to reveal itself.

A little like you show me yours, I show you mine?

....but my what? My D&M thoughts? My silly hot tempered tantrum? Seems like I only write when I feel over emotional. These days when I'm emotional, I tweet. Even then I'm loosing my anonymity.

I digress. Love you, Ms Avatar!

Aunt Estelle

Another milestone - I'm an aunt, a direct aunt. Words cannot describe how I feel. I'm so proud, I'm so happy with the new addition to the family. I'm so happy after a few sad episodes, we finally have a light shining through. Yet I'm sad. He looks like dad, i wonder what dad would say? I ponder how he would react to knowing he is now a grandpa....and how about Ed?!

I had an amazing dream two weeks before the arrival of the baby boy. At that time, we didn't know the sex of of the baby, keeping it a surprise, they say. In my dream, i saw a baby boy, who looked like Ed, my brother who passed away years ago. As I happily played with the happy baby (I like happy babies), it dawned on me that Ed is no longer around, so this is yet another dream.

So I looked up at him and say, but how can this happen? Is this your baby? He never replied, but smiled and edge away for me to see someone standing in the background. I saw my SIL (who was pregnant at that time) and then again, i realise that he's trying to tell me the baby's a boy!

I woke up so happy, telling the man of my dream. He is pretty much used to my visions and was amazed that we are having a boy for a nephew rather than anything else. Over the next few days, I shared my dream with my closest friends, and even mum. Then i figured that I better shut my trap, just in case it's just another dream.

And it really is to be. Baby Z came into the world 31 August 2009.

Taking chances

How often do you take chances?

I was wistfully pondering over this question. Seven years ago, life was free and easy and stress means handing over the assignments in time and passing the exams. Money miraculously appears in the bank account and 5 tequila shots at the Uni Bar night guarantees you a good time.

Today....?

We live is such materialistic world. Where the unwritten rules of normalcy dominates how we live. How we look, What we wear, and even how we go on holidays. When will the madness stop, when will we start living?

Lyrics | Lily Allen lyrics

Against All Odds....

I've quit.

Four short months into the new role and i've decided to quit. Why? And especially during these times, why? I blame it on my pride. I blame it on the fact that I refuse to be treated like a work mule. Even more, I'm making a statement. Work for me or I won't work for you!

So it's day one of being "in between" jobs.....I was so looking forward to having a break and here's my chance!

Now if only i could get over my paranoia of being jobless forever....


btw. No regrets!

New New and new!

I hate being new. i hate being new at work.

I had finally taken the plunge and swap my stagnant ol' job for a new one.

Whist I was devastated to leave the comfort and familiarity of the ol' workplace; I can't wait to actually "work" again.

To be pushed, to learn, to stress over the uncertainty!

.....OMG WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Tee hee hee

The girl with the smile and the big heart

Where you are, however you are...

We hope you are at peace..

One day we'll meet again.

Love,

Estelle

Uninspired

I don't know why i'm keeping this alive, or how is it i find things to write about.

....actually.....i don't. Hahaha!

Ok, it's not funny.

Over the past few months I have moved, I battled and worked my ass off at work.
I see myself age'ing and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.


and I am finding a bit of inner peace. Which is an indication that i will find a way to turn things around and f*ck them up. Leave it to me. I manage to do that anyhow.
Must be a talent. Self sabotage.Self destruct.




I saw dad the other day. I ran....and hugged him! We caught up, he seems well and going on a holiday, he says. I want to come along too! Take me! Can't...he says, can't take you along.

I had a tantrum. why not?!after all, we don't see each other much. If you are going to be selfish about this, i'll go on my own holiday. Come with me.

He refused. How I try to drag him to come along, how I pulled his hand....yet he stood still.

I sobbed....and still sobbed when i woke up.

Oh daddy....how much I miss you....

the weakest link

I am weak.

THERE. I said it.

The amount of times i fell sick. the duration of when i fall sick. It's worrying.

I woke up today with a sore throat. and decided to stay home from work. i figured that if i eat/sleep/drink lots of water i will feel better.

It's 4pm and i'm still not any better.

Why meeee?

Dashboard Confessions

i have a whole list to write about. Yes, i wrote alist of what i should write. What i should update my dear blog. But somehow, i can't bring myself to do it.

I feel......brain dead.Numb.


...Oh and it's not from being emo. Nu 'uh. Party Queen's been living it up with her crew.


I can't afford to sit still and feel.

a different thought

Maybe going back is not such a bad thing after all. Back in safe arms, safe cocoon; away from the sweet talkers, hamsap los, nagging bitches and ffk’ers. Suddenly I remember what it was like to snuggle in bed, to have someone be my taxi (even if it is from the bedroom to the toilet), of balcony drinking sessions, Friday night happy hours….and watching tv while being buried underneath two doonas. Of fresh air in Canberra…Beautiful roadtrips, my baby dog…

Is this the awakening?

I certainly hope so…I’m beginning to see the silver lining!

Dread

As I face the MAS.com.my website, with the credit card by my side, I break out in sweat. I don’t want to leave. All the panic attacks in the wee hours in the morning…it just doesn’t happen for no reason.

I love who I am over here. I love the fact that I go in and out as I like, no explanation, no commitment.
When I go back….it’s all about the security, doing the “right” thing, the routine, the boring old routine.
I often wonder if I should break it off. The 5 year bond. I need to re-discover myself. Who am I?

I sure as hell hope something happened to you because standing me up on a Friday night is inexcusable. And I declined other plans just to be with you too…
Boo Hoo.

Karma’s a bitch…

What goes around, comes around, dear girl. Did you think all those cheating and sleeping around behind his back won’t come back and bite you in the ass?

So you think u can just wipe your slate clean, 1 year down the road and land yourself prince charming? He is just not into you. Give up already.

And quit acting all wounded and shit. You’re fine, just hit the clubs and pick up, like you always do.

Do you feel like i feel

What it feels like to be lost, as lost as how I am now? I can’t describe this phase (I hope) that I’m going through. Never have I felt so lost. I’ve been standing still for a while, only to see everyone else zoom past. I have no goals, no focus. I lost my appetite. I can’t sleep (an average night’s sleep is 4 hours) and worst of all, my emotions have gone haywire. I said things that I shouldn’t have to this wolf. I had feelings that I shouldn’t been feeling. I have cravings for everything alcoholic and nicotine.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone pull me out of this rut. Somebody save me. Please. I beg you. Or just put a bullet in my head/heart.

Are you really that blind, or did you choose not to see that being 25, I have my own life to live?
Did you really think that the “right” thing to do is to live by your straight rule?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Just because you didn’t have a life doesn’t mean I’d be like you. I sure hope I don’t end up like you – scared, cooped up and stuck in a rut.

Pah. Pathetic.

lay a whisper
steal a kiss
unsaid moments
an eternal bliss

set my soul on fire
thy fatal lips
for what you desire
is within your fingertips

oh how cruel life is
of temptations, tests and tragedies

How can you be strong
when things are just so wrong?

Light a rainbow

I need to have you near me
in a time when nothing's lasting long.
And I need to feel you close to me
as my lover, I need to keep you warm.
'Cause my life is so unreal without you.You're an angel, I see you passing by.
And the voice that calls me under, baby
as a mother crying for her child.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

Like a riverboat at open sea
on a tide, free of rock and land.
It leads me to surrender, baby
as a wave, draining in the sand.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

The day it rained forever

I've no regrets,
time to forget
If your lookin' for some kind of a soul remedy,
take control of it
Its back again,
deep in my head
But somethin' tells me to make my move,
save my energy

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever
(Rained forever)

Were angels
watchin' the world,
But you can't stop the feeling
that nothing's real
It's a dream
So break free,
got to survive
A new day is dawning,
just wait for a morning star

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever

Words can’t express the pain I’m feeling. The loss, the grief….

Daddy passed away Wednesday 25th April 2007. He fought a hard battle, even when he was on life support.

I love you dee. I’ll never forget u and can only hope we’ll be together again some day.


...I'll write abt it when i feel like it. i need to compose myself.

Home

I’m home. I feel as though I’m truly home. The air smells heavenly, my car and my babies are here, most importantly, I’m back in my safe cocoon’s arms.

So why do I feel lost, again? Seems as though I’d be lost no matter where I am. Am I doomed to be like this? Or am I trying to hard to settle down too quickly?

My life’s a mess. I’m an emotional mess, I’m in financial mess and physically, I’m horrified.

There better be a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel.

Insincere bitch

didn't ur momma teach u manners? ever heard of what courtesy is?

Don't tell me you want to come out tonight, because it's my last night here.
Don't tell me we'd drink, talk and be merry

Then turn around and...

get everyone to call me as though i organised it
sleep and not say a thing to me
and ask me, instead, what am i and everyone else is doing?

what the fuck is wrong with you? I didn't ask to go out with you in the first place.
i cancelled all appointments because you assume that, being my good friend, we'd spend time together.

Insincere bitch.

p/s - it's not the first time, obviously won't be the last.

Try

Try to understand me
Try to understand what I mean when I say I’m alright or I’m ok or I’m fine.

I’m not.

And for the last time, I’m NOT strong. I don’t want to be strong
I just want to run away.

What dreams may come

i remember watching this movie. I was depressed then. but it gave me the sense of peace i needed.

So I don’t care if there is(or not) something going on between the two of you.
Why drag me into this? I don’t need your sympathy, I certainly didn’t feel the need to witness the revolting intimacy.

Why me? Why put me through the uncomfortable silence of a stranger? To be enthusiastically faking happiness, to reminisce days that was never mine, to relive the pain of going through puberty.

So my life sucks. You win.
I hope u are happy talking and “sympathising” with my sad sad life.
One day you’ll understand.

I came back anticipating tough times. And boy, was I ever right.
I don’t think I can even write about it. I’m just so…..tired.

Why?

Video break

This is wayyy sexy


and i like this song


So maybe i like emma bunton.....hmmmm

Dark Morning

It’s still dark at 7:15 in the morning. Aptly reflecting how I am feeling at the moment. An sms sent me scurrying for a flight and 12 hours later, here I am.
Where do I start? What do I do?


____________________________________________________________________________________


Its not so bad after all. Or was it cause I was expecting worst? Or are things much better because I’m home? Why do I feel so foreign here? So….out of place, amongst cafes, or chinese ballads, of the funny sounding English on tv and radio? Not to mention the obligatory smile, and hospitality to the endless amount of relatives, some who are rude….

I miss my safe cocoon.

Patience

lyrics - Take That Lyrics

I just had a fortune cookie.

"Grace is the divine ability to copy with every circumstance"

what a fucking joke.

Irony kills

I feel sick

Multiple Myeloma. Sounds harmless. but if u wiki it. You know.
You won’t be able to breathe.

And here I am. At crossroads again.

What do I do next?

It’s 10pm and I start working tomorrow. Precisely at 9am. I’m a nervous wreck, I feel shitty as it is and can feel panic attacks coming my way. I desperately need to speak to someone and guess what? The boy went to bed. What a pig. See. This is what happens when you been together with someone for so long. They take you for granted…Never mind the fact that you’re upset, there’s heaps of chores to do - laundry to be folded and ironed and dishes to wash. What does the boy do? SLEEP!

I liken this to a see saw relationship; u’re always on the ground, the other person’s in the air and enjoying himself without caring if you’re hurting at all.

I hate you.

It is pure torture to not being able to satisfy a craving immediately.

Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa.

Sigh…

...

Every so often I get this nagging feeling which makes me break out in sweat. I guess it can be classified as a panic attack with difficulty in breathing and cold sweat dripping down my back.

Every so often, my paranoid mind reminds me that Dad is not getting any younger. Dad recently had a minor operation to remove two lumps off his back. Two cyst, which hopefully be benign when the biopsy results comes out.

I don’t know what else is there to say. The guilt, the pain….Someone please tell me what to do.

Observe the Cycle

Pink-brown-black'ish-shedding of skin-white again.

Within 3 days my sunburnt skin went through THE cycle and I’m back at one. I wish I can tan like those girls who turn golden brown and not red lobster and then shedding snake. SSSighhhhhhhhhhhh

Now before I get a lecture about protecting my skin from the big C word, let it be known that I slapped on heaps of sunscreen while at the beach. It’s just that when I jump in the water, I tend to let loose. Hey I was having too much fun, alright?
I miss the beach, I’m glad I live close enough to one (within 20 mins drive) but beachside holidays with friends….it’s just blissful. After all, how many more of these days do we have left? The ones were we can afford to be silly and spend and not be committed to anything else? The days are numbered….

Untill the next Road Trip which I have tentatively scheduled for the Aust Day Long Weekend. Woo hoo!

I like looking at wedding photos.

Contrary to what you think you know why I do it, you don’t. Stop speculating. I just like looking at happy faces, colourful festivities, etc. So yeah. It’s a thing I do. Leave me alone. And it’s just that S I M P L E.

WTF

WTF

Yesterday I succumbed to a tan in a can. After all, it’s Sunless, hence safe from the big C and etc etc. How hard can it be, just spray, lather on, and “Walla!!!” Golden brown skin. Easy Safe and instant!

Boy, was I wrong. I woke up this morning to see my body in streaks! Imagine the horror! And I’m hitting the beach with friends tomorrow too…Arghhhh

I ran down to the grocers to buy lemon juice, because it apparently lightens up spray tans….and my other plan-of-action is to sunbake on my balcony later today….

Fingers Crossed!

It’s so strange. I woke up at 3:30am. With a dream. And thought. I must blog about this. And now that I’m here, I can’t recall what it was. 0_o
_________________________________________________

There’s a futon in the living room, which I’ve had since my Uni. It used to be my bed back then and I fondly recall some good memories. Not the bedroom kind, the being-in-my-life-throughout-the-transition-from-Uni-Student-to-whatever-I-am-now kind. This futon’s travelled a fair bit and still has its use as a couch or guestbed for the last 2 years. The boy has been cajoling me into selling it and buying a spiffy looking sofa to complement the newer one in the pic below but I find myself dragging my feet. Sure, its an ugly looking futon; it’s not comfortable, as it is lumpy …but I find myself curling in the comfort of the “ugliness” for a snooze or for a read. I just don’t know why. I guess I am a sentimental fool.
I guess I’d have to let go...


...Not before I purchase my priorities – a coffee table, a rug, a painting and a tv stand!Tee hee hee hee!

I’m feeling restless today.
So I finally peeled the bathrobe off me and had a bubble bath.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
__________________________________

I called my old work today, thinking I could speak to a girlfriend of mine. Of all people guess who picked up the reception phone? The fake and socially incompetent asshole. SIGH. Hearing his voice makes me want to vomit blood….*vomits blood*
I could heard the smirk in his voice while he says “ so you’re in between jobs again? Seems like you’re constantly on holiday”….
Well….FUCK YOU, LOSER.

The weather, the madness (who would have thought it would snow 2 weeks to summer) the howling wind, the freezing temperature 7degrees at the moment.
I’m gonna make myself a cup of milo and not get out of my bathrobe! Lurve it!
______________________________________________

I had a tiff with the boy yesterday. Just a tiff, nothing serious but it got me thinking….perhaps it would be better for us to take time off, perhaps we need space from each other. Mebbe we shouldn’t be living together…… Of course, none of these ideas would materialise.
Why? For some weird reason I can never stay mad at the boy for long. My mouth, my face tends to smile whenever I see him. It’s terrible in a situation where I’m trying to prove my point! Gotta train myself to stay angry. How would he learn otherwise? I know, I’m such a girl. Can’t help it though. Damn exercise. Blame it on the raging endorphins!

_______________________________________________

Yes I am jumpy in my last two entrees but my thoughts are all over the place and I decided to stuff being organised and just write whatever comes to mind. Heh!

Compiling 4 years worth of photos.

Thanks to digital cameras, I can’t remember the last time I had my pictures developed. Nothing can be compare to a hard copy photo, I reckon. After all, they are memories….
________________________________________

Here are some things that have been bugging me for a while.
I know I can be a doormat sometimes but….

Mat, what makes you think I would just whip out my credit card so that you can use to book ticket flights? I mean, really, we don’t hang out much except for when we’re at clubs and barely know each other. I bet you don’t even know what my last name is. So, really, mate. If you regard us as friends or if you’d respect me, you’d understand why I’m doing the things I’m doing.

Maybe both of you were born when the stars were almost aligned the same way..

That’s the only explanation that a girlie and I could come up with.
I had a road trip over the weekend, to a little town a little more than an hour away.
It was meant to be an escape from the big smoke, just to take it easy and chill – and it was great! Strangest thing happened though, while at the little town, standing by the main road, and the one and only street. I heard someone call out my name.

I turned around and there he is. My Ex- MD from Canberra. Him out of Canberra, Me out of the Big Smoke bumping into each other in a little town out in woop woop. I swear there’s some sort of chemistry between the two of us. A freaky moment.
______________________________________________

Here’s an excerpt of a conversation I had today…

i miss KL says:
u know what's even more sad? as i was obssesed with 90210...i was obssessed with going to 7-11...n remember thining, man i wish i could grow up faster n go to 7-11 anytoime i want...(last itme have to get permission la have to go with adult la)
Me says:
OMG.
i miss KL says:
sad rite
Me says:
I WAS OBSESSED about getting my first kiss
if any of my boy friends are BOYFRIEND materials
i miss KL says:
hahaha but i guess i have achieved my goal
hahaha
me too me too
hahah
Me says:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
and we'd tell our parents we go padang to play but actually go to subang parade...
this is when we were 12
i miss KL says:
kekekekekek
sigh those were the days man
Me says:
and then us girls would role play
u be kelly, i'd be brenda...and u'd be donna and andrea
hahahahaha
BIG SIGH
i miss KL says:
shit man i forgot the characters' names liao
o wait that it was wayyyyyyyyyyyy cool if u knew how to dance the 'theme' dance of 90210
muaahaaahaaaahaaa

Busted! Looking back, I doubt I understood what the show was really about. All that matters then was how cool it was!

Britney Rawks!

Now, I don't usually have much to say about pop stars, celebrities or any other wannabes BUT I'm really glad that Britney has decided to dump her loser ass husband.
It's about time! Good on you, girl.... Whooooooooooooo!
So, to commemorate the occassion, It's Good-On-Ya-Britney Day!





Ok Ok, i'm going overboard here... but saved the best for last (the message, not the video)

Stronger, than yesterday...

Sydney weather’s been pretty gloomy for November. It’s been raining the past two weeks, gloomy and wet. And I love it! Don’t get me wrong – I love the sun and summer but on the other hand, I love the cool weather. Where I’m guaranteed a good sleep, a good snuggle and a good veg out in front of the tv.
AhhhhHHHhhh…..

On another note, aren’t I doing a great job updating this blog?

bITCHIN'

I wrote an awfully long bitchin’ post about Kayu, my partner’s best friend. It’s a great post! Untill my conscience jumped in and took control by deleting every single word I wrote. I guess it’s for the better. Nobody gets hurt, nobody reads it and we all walk away happy…..or do we?

How many of us often have to put up with their spouse’s friends? The weird characters that you would never be affiliated with if it wasn’t for your spouse? Does anybody feel the pain of gritting the teeth and putting up with these people just because they’re part of your other half’s life?

Of big hair and big shoulder pads

Did i mention how much I love You Tube?

I stumbled upon bits and pieces of Beverly Hills 90210 episodes and am flooded with memories of Brenda, Brandon, Jason, Donna, and how we used to swoon and imagine we were as cool as that.

I kid you not. Us 12 year olds. Pretending to be cool 17 year olds. Wanting to grow up quicker. Wanting to go on dates. Wanting to be the "in" clique....

Great times..

OhhhHHHHhhhHHHhh

Sat Night Karaoke = great fun
Sun Hangover = not so fun

...... sigh

After three gruelling interviews, I have been offered a position in a professional IT services firm, which I promptly accepted. I would use the term prompt loosely, after all, I had spent the past week going in and out of the office and having long chats with pretty much all those who interviewed me.

Love the office culture. Like the people…and its very promising

The remuneration benefits of the firm are awesome – I get free life cover, with training and development allowances and of course, the obligatory super.
Fingers crossed once again.

SighHhhhhh.....

I'm a hopeless romantic.
I love this ad.

I baked.

I freaking B.A.K.E.D. 3 days into my stagnant career and I baked. Wtf.

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I have quit. I am back in the job market.
Need I say more to express the disappointment and pain endured from work?

There we go again. I chose the shittiest time of the year to be job less.

Let the rat race begin

Eeep. Talk about throwing me into the deep end of the pool. I’ve just been told that I’ll be in a client meeting on the morning of the first day of work. Phew. Could P.R.E.S.S.U.R.E come a knocking any closer?

Heck, i can't even enjoy the last week of being a bum, i've been so stressed out and burying myself in books, hoping to refresh and sharpen my "skills".Which btw, did shit all, somehow i keep falling asleep when i'm "studying". This, coming from a girl who does not usually nap!What are the f'ing odds?

I’m determine to do well and will certainly strive to do my best. Gan Batte!

Why is it that your bestest friend would post the most hideous looking photo of you on their friendster profile? How do you make them stop? Of all the millions of cam whore pictures, why couldn’t she post a decent pic of me?
Yuck.

What was supposed to be a celebration of a birthday over the weekend became a reflection on Mr Sniffles life. Mr Sniffles has been with the family for 12 years. Having battled cancer for the past 2 years, we have decided to put him to sleep.
RIP Mr Sniffles, I’ll never forget how you gave me comfort during those hard times, how you sat by my side and gave me doggy hugs when I was in mourning. I hope you realise how much we love you and how heart breaking it is to let you go. Perhaps we’ll meet again one day….

I’m back on track.

I have a job. I start on the 18th Sept.
Where have I been? Travelling, of course! Here’s a few snapshots...







Oh, and I've been dreaming of this...

*drools*

Had my folks visiting for a couple of weeks and it’s the most exasperating, hectic, and emotional visit. All in all, we had a great time with different experiences crammed in two weeks. I was an emotional wreck when they left – you’d think that I’d be immune to the sappy shit having live here for 5 years but I guess not. I’m such a wuss.

It’s been a week since they left and I truly felt as though there is someone watching over me. Someone who is setting up the weather, the timing to coincide and compliment whatever’s been happening. Thank you.

What nerve

What makes you think that you could just charm your way back into my life an d pick up from where you left me hanging 5 years ago? What? So now that you’re single again, you’d imagine that I would drop everything just to be your beck and call?
Up yours, buddy……up yours!

What are the freaking odds of falling sick 3 times in 6 weeks?

I can’t believe that I’m down with the flu. Again. For the third bloody time in six weeks. WTF? The boy, is not faring any much better. He’s down with it for the second time within two months. The only explanation that we both could come up with is the quality of air in Sydney being so bad, our bodies couldn’t cope with it. In some ways, I suppose it is true. When in Canberra, we took fresh air for granted. Healthy bodies, mum’s cooking….and the list goes on. BUT HELL…I’m from KL. Smog city = land where you can hardly see 500 metres away half the year. WTF WTF WTF?

Interviews = no fun

Let me re-phrase that…attending job interviews = no fun AT ALL.
Clammy hands, jumble thoughts, uncoordinated words…I never seem to fail making a fool out of myself at interviews. At times like these, I wish I’m the BS Queen, the champion salesperson, the smooth talker. I wish.
Why can’t we just be ourself? Why is it that in interviews, being humble is not a virtue highly looked upon?

I attended one today. A job interview with a marketing agency. I’d be damned if I even knew that these agencies exists before this. It sounded like a challenge, a fun challenge! I wonder if I would be able to surpass the expectations I’ve placed on them….

All ‘glammed’ up…

I spent last Saturday at the races, and gosh, how much fun! My boy and I had an exclusive invite to a private suite and this occasion obviously calls for glammed up dresses and suites. Even better, the free flowing Moets and waiter served canapés. The races was good too; although I suspect it would have been much more fun if it were spring or summer.
I could so get used to this…

These are the laziest days of my life.

I still can’t believe how warm it is over here even in winter. Winter? What winter? It feels more like spring! The weather almost makes up for the fact that I’m fast approaching $0 dollars in my bank account. Penniless but happy, is there such a thing?

Applying for jobs in the big smoke has been quite a chore. Granted, it is much easier then when I was in Cbr 2 years ago. Jobs are abundant here….if only I can get people to have a look at my resume.
I miss my dog.

Welcome to my pad

Happy happy joy joy!
Check out my pad! I am now a Sydney sider; having moved 90% of my belongings to my new one bedroom apartment on the First of. How divine is that? My Own Place! * beams *
Two weeks have gone by and I’m still living out of a suitcase and boxes. I just don't have a clue what goes where!

A lengthy entry later - been sick with all the excitement/stress and am barely recovering!