Scare

What a Friday. 1st February is one I will remember for a long time. Woke up feeling tired. Tummy felt odd. Despite it all, I decided to go to work because I had an important social event to organise.

Big mistake.

By 11 am, I was fighting back tears, doubling up in pain at work. It started off with a headache at work. I've had that before, so I thought I'd have sometime to eat. A banana. Not long after I started having sharp tummy pains. That gave me a shock - as I've never had that before. I got all terrified for the baby.

Told the boss I had to go. I was truly sorry I couldn't organise the event. But the pain and the scare ( and probably hormones) got to me and soon got tears started rolling down my eyes. He got really alarmed and told me to head home.

Soon I couldn't stop crying so he walked me out to catch a cab. Poor boss. I'm so sorry to show this side of me. Wish I didn't. I don't like being made to look like a softie.

Made it home and immediately laid on the couch. Rang the midwife, who says my tummy pains are too far up to be related to the babe. Besides, I had no bleeding, no nausea and no diarrhoea. So she just advised me to go on bed rest and see how I feel when I get up.

I did feel better lying down. But could n't stop crying in the afternoon. What a scare! Am I truly ready to be a mum? Am I ok to endure a lot more pain that is coming my way? Will I be able to survive work? Is baby truly ok?

(Baby was alright. Felt a few reassuring kicks in the evening.)

I am still a little traumatised by the experienced. I hope I'll be ok soon.

Our Big Day

Didn't think I'd get around to posting about our wedding day.

22.9.12
It was a bright beautiful day, with a high of 27degrees. All I remember of the day was smiling a lot, being very happy and it was just beautiful. The flowers, my bridal party, our shoot at the beach, the reception, our dance....Truly magical.

16 weeks

It's been a while since my last scan. 

Amidst all the sadness with Baby V, and work and an incident of my walking into a fan and hitting my tummy one night (yes it really did happen).....I was scared, at the back of my mind. I was counting down the days till my next ultrasound, which is TODAY!

To my immense relief, there it is. Baby K, lying contently waving its hands at me. And what a strong heartbeat baby had! Our next screening is on Valentines Day, when we'll find our the gender. Yes Twitchy wants to know. And I think it's nice to know too...

On another note. I think I finally popped. There is a small baby bump, and it became obvious over the past 2 days, when I got to 16 weeks! No pictures yet. Tomorrow, maybe?

How we are going

A 3:30am post.

Week 14 (last week) was the strangest week ever. Woke up one morning and behold - I felt the most unpregnant ever! Was a bundle of energy, went to bed late (10:30pm!), no nausea and no bloat! I felt so good. But after 2-3 days, I got a little worried - what is wrong with me?

Yes, this is so typically me. Miss worry-wart. Anyway, I had to take a breather and pace myself to enjoy it. Was also reassured by bff who says "Nothing. Welcome to your second trimester!"So I had a pretty good week/weekend, being super productive and active.

Week 15 started the same.
---------------------------------
When I got that call about baby V, my insecurities came right back up. Am I ok? Should I get a doppler to find the heartbeat? Once again had to take a breather and to tell myself to chill out! Instead, Twitchy and I went for a long walk by the beach and had Ben & Jerrys!

Today (i mean yesterday - being up at 3am still counts as the night before), I was suddenly hit with a headache. It's not your typical pounding headache, but uncomfortable nevertheless. Reduced me to being in bed the entire afternoon. Which wasn't so bad - I read a book and listened to the rain. Sipped on hubby's coke during dinner, and felt 100% better! Caffeine really is the remedy when you have preppy headaches!

On, and another update - I think I can finally feel and glimpse the bump. Which is exciting, because before this, I don't really look pregnant. Just felt pregnant and fat (when i have only gained 2 kgs).

OBGYN appointment in 4 days, will be looking forward to seeing mini K then!

Bye V

Friday started of like any other usual day. Uneventful, but with a restless countdown to the weekend.

The phone rang at lunchtime. Strange, I thought. I don't hear from this person much these days. 10 minutes later, a blanket of sadness and grief engulfed me. My dear friends have lost their 4 month old. She was tucked to bed, and when they checked on her later that night, she wasn't breathing. From what I gathered, they rushed to the hospital, where she was put on life support. But didn't make it in the morning.

Devastating. I've heard of SIDS but never heard or know anyone who've been affected.

...the sound of both of my dear friends sobbing will haunt me for a very long time.

I couldn't sleep that night. Culmination of heat, sadness and fear. Is my baby ok? Will my baby be ok?

I'd be happier when I have my next OBGYN appointment next week.

And that's a wrap

It's the last day of 2012! Normally at this time of the year I'd be gearing up to party hard. But with a bun in the oven - I'm crossing my fingers that I would be all right and awake to watch the fireworks.

It's a busy day ahead. Instead of our usual beach house getaway, we'll be at Coogee beach, and possibly staying over at our friend's place, who are heavy drinkers and smokers.

Have I mentioned how sensitive my sense of smell is these days? When Twitchy has more than a beer, he has to resort to sleeping in the living room. The smell is too much to bear!

It's tempting to sit out this New Years Eve, but gotta be a good sport about this, don't we?

-------------------------------

13 Weeks and 6 days

Little bun is now 13 weeks and 6 days. I'm now on my second trimester and nausea has eased up a little. (still creeps up when I fail to eat on time). We survived Xmas in Canberra. Had a 13 hour sleep one night - a result from a morning walk and an evening walk. I am easily breathless from walking up a hill. Typical Xmas, ate too much and tummy got a little stretched and uncomfortable.

Prior to Xmas, I had my 12 week ultrasound. Lil bun was the cutest thing ever. We got a little wave, and its hands were constantly touching its face/nose. Because lil bun was sedentary, I was told to give a little cough. When I did, it moved a little and decided to turn to its side. Mooning us in the process. Ahhhh what a cheeky little bun!

Hunger or Nausea?

Never thought I'd get to the day where I don't know if I'm extremely hungry or just nauseous. 

Sometimes it's both. Which is, bizarre!

Morning sickness is at its peak and I find it so hard to concentrate on functioning. What more being at work and pretending to be normal. Maybe that's here pregnancy brain comes in.

Morale's a little low, as you can probably tell. I feel like crap, the tummy's bloated from all the carbs (thats all I ever want to eat these days) and I feel like I'm expanding. Rapidly!

Melbourne again

Back in Melbourne again, this time for a happy occasion, albeit a work one. We won an award for the hard work we did back in May.

Awards night is tomorrow night, but I caught an earlier flight to catch up w BFF and her Bella.

So here I am tonight, back in this familiar hotel room. As nice as it is to be back on familiar grounds, can't help feeling a slight tinge of depression!

Yuck. Shoo fly, don't bother me!!!

Heartbeat

I saw my little one today. And the little one's heartbeat.

Wow... It really is happening!

When something so significant happens in your life, you just become speechless.

8 weeks

I admit, the last time I wrote about baby, I was already late.1 week late.

Today I'm still late.

And ... 3 home test kits later, it can't possible be wrong, right?

We aren’t really trying, we just aren’t preventing

Having just been married, the conversation often revolves around when we plan to have kids.

What a dilemma.  Kids, inevitably would change your life (for good and bad). Whilst I like the thought of having them, I'd be first to admit. I am scared shitless!

On one hand, we're in the best shape of our lives, we've just survived 9 months of crazy wedding planning and could do with my "us" time. I'd love to party! On the other hand, we're not getting any younger, I'd hate to be an "old" mom and if I want more than 3 kids, we should probably get started.

We've had many conversations, mostly around me telling Mr Twitchy that having a baby is not as easy as it seems. Him, like all men, seem to think it's just the matter of doing it and getting it done. Not so much from what I see. I've seem friends who struggle for years, who remain childless. And I can't imagine the thought of wanting some but not being able to.

So we're letting nature takes its course.

One month on

It's been a little over a month since we got married and it's been rosy. We were kept busy when we got back from Bora - catching up with friends, work and being the bridesmaid at a close friend's wedding.

Yeap. Our close friends got married a month after us, and we were in each other's bridal party! Their wedding was a whole lot of fun, we travelled to hunter valley for that. My fav moment is probably from hanging out with our wider friends like how we'd be on a road trip.

Not so fav moment is being stressed and helping out at the wedding. Meg. Stressed. Also, not pleased that here were some elements similar to our wedding. But hey, imitation is the best form of flattery, right?

But I digress.

So now we're back to a bit of quiet tie. And I'm feeling lost. I desperately miss being at Bora Bora. The tropical sun, the luxurious hotel....the beautiful blue....

SIGH!

Bora Bora Paradise

It's day 4 of our honeymoon and I thought I'd post a note to self. I really made it here and it's as beautiful and even better than I thought! All those pictures of Bora Bora: no photoshop is required!

For the past few days, we spa'ed, jet ski'ed, went on a jeep safari up 3 peaks (that was exhilarating) and even had a photographer in tow while we toured the lagoon and snorkeled. Ahhhh what bliss.

It isn't all roses of course. Both of us were struck with food poisoning( or maybe alcohol poisoning ) before we got here. So the few days leading to the honeymoon and our journey over was quite horrendous.

Spent day 1 recovering. Day 2&3 was fantastic but Twitchy was down again with food poisoning on day 4.which is today. So what did I do? I went on a photography excursion around the hotel. All by myself.

Enjoy!

First class in a budget airline

Twitchy and I flew first class on a budget airline. Well, it's as first class as it gets in that plane. Our chair reclined to a bed! Ahhhh the luxury. I could get use to this. Traveling in style and comfort.

Married

As of 220912

The night before

Lying here in bed on the 69th floor of an apartment on the eve of the wedding - what a surreal feeling. A culmination of 9 months of prep. Of blood, sweat and many tears.

Yes, many would say a wedding is just a night of your life, and that marriage is is of far more importance but still....wow. I'm getting married!!!!

Amazing.

Zoo

One of the absolute must-do that I always recommend to my Sydney visitors is going to the zoo. Our glorious Taronga Zoo. And today we actually went to the zoo - the first of zoos to come for my 3 year old nephew.

We were joined by my future sis in law and future nephew & niece (can't wait to remove the term future). So as you can imagine, a 2 year old, a 3 year old AND a 4 year old. All racing through the zoo! Kids make fast friends and by the end of the day my poor nephew was quite attached to his new mates and couldn't wait to see them again!

... And poor Aunty Esther is reeling from exhaustion. Me want me time. Maybe i should sit in a corner. Like the boss below.

4 sleeps to go!

My life is the mother of all hectic at the moment. Every spare moment is spent wedding planning. When not wedding planning, I am entertaining my guests, early arrivals for the wedding. With so much that is happening, I am a little lost, and whingy, tired and I crave some me time. Or some us time :(

But twitchy says we have a lifetime of us time. And we should soak in every experience we have, instead of wishing them away. My fiancé, the wise one.

Can't wait to be your Mrs.

Xx

15 days!

We are now 15 days from the very big day.

Apart from being sick, we've been so busy!

Pick up rings - done

Deliver cake toppers to the cake lady - done

Bridal gown fitting - done

Attend a marriage preparation course - in progress

Wow, what an experience. This would be my first "therapy-like" consultation. You know, like the ones you see on TV, when people see a psychologist and sit on a couch while you are being analysed. Except that in real life, the psychologist seem to talk a little more. It can be a little daunting, being put under a spotlight. Almost as though you are forced to reflect everything you do and question who you are. But thats the entire purpose isn't it? Find out who you are and what you reflect as a couple.

Learn our wedding dance - in progress

It really has been fun, learning a dance routine and dancing in sync! Now all we can hope for is that we don't forget out steps

All the big stuff's done. Just the little tiny bits that need attending and refining, like meeting and briefing the suppliers. And wedding shopping, getting all out accessories done. 

Our nights are pretty much packed till the very big day.

How do I feel?

Occasionally, I have pockets of euphoria and excitement. After all, we are getting married!!! Then at times I am a nervous wreck. Then I get all anxious because I fear I am not sitting back and enjoying myself as I should. All these plus the fact that I have been so sick.....

Wow....weddings!

Lurgy

Been down with the flu since...my hens! Which is more than 2 weeks now. I just can't seem to get any better and my spirits are sinking lower and lower as the day goes by.

The wedding's 15 days away, and here I am fighting to get well.

I can't feel anything except anxiety. Please please please let me be well again. I need the energy, the strength and stamina to get through this.

My Hens night

Had the best hens night ever, and it was for me! There is just something about getting your fav girls together and being naughty around town.

😜

Success

I am immensely proud of myself!

I did it!!!

Cryptic post

I am nervous. And embarrassed. I am a procrastinator. And I can't hide anymore.

Tomorrow is that day I face my fears and do something I really should have done a long long time ago.

Wish me luck.

Busy busy bee

So I'm clocking in at 530am in kl at the moment, took the night flight and arrived in the wee hours of the morning. All this for a 3 day weekend here. For BFF2's wedding and to sort out last minute prep for my kl one.

So I wouldn't call this a leisure trip,more like a work/diplomatic one. I can only hope it's a good trip.

Mum. Need I elaborate more?

-----------------------------------
All things aside, celebrate Twitchy's birthday just yesterday and we both realized- its 72 days until the big day!
Until then it's plans every weekend, so many things to do, so many places to go....rock and roll baybeh!

...just don't stop with the redbull.

Reading our vows

Reading and picking my vows has made me super excited for the big day, that is....less than 3 months away!

OMG I can't believe it, I am getting married!

....I never thought I'm such a stickler for tradition and etiquette. And it seems like Mr Twitchy's like that too. It's amazing how much you learn about yourself as you start organising towards a massive occasion like this!

Bridezilla moment 1

I'm having a meltdown. Invitations that were printed came out looking cheap and tacky!

Welcome to the world

Sitting here at the airport, gathering my thoughts. Once again was tapped on the shoulder to come down for work. Two days, one night, leading up to the big preso. As reluctant as I was to actually be here again, I don't have much choice. And just as I suspected, my presence is really just a presence, to hold the bosses hand and help here and there where required.

Got to the Melbourne airport early Wednesday morning and saw THE text. BFF's water broke and she's in labour. 36 hours later, and with my work duties finally done, Baby S arrives!!!

So with 4 hours to go before my flight I hopped on a cab across town ( west to east) and got to the hospital, where I fumbled my way around. Baby S had only been here for an hour!

BFF hubby let me in the birthing suite and convinced me to just pop in. And I did. What a vision. BFF looking so serene and Baby S being so settled. I promptly cried....BFF thought I was being silly but I just couldn't help it. It's the most beautiful scene in the world!

What a feeling!

Daddy K and I shared a moment after. Where we just didn't say much but to stand outside and look stunned.

Baby S,

You probably know it but you're the luckiest baby in the world. You will be so spoiled with love and care, not only by your mum, dad and family but from Aunty E too.

I am so blessed to be able to meet you so soon and even more being able to be with my BFF, that's your mum, to share such a lovely, tender moment.

A moment I will treasure for life.

Love,
Aunt E

...

Today our closest and dearest friends, who have been together for 5 years announced that they are separating because HE wanted to move overseas. It's something he's always wanted to do but obviously the plans didn't involve her, or never did...

I knew him way before her. But she became one of my closest friends. One whom I trusts, one whom I regard really highly of. They are both in our bridal party.

When they broke the news to us, I felt like crying. I know she's breaking inside but keeping a strong front.

They probably don't know how much I am affected by it. But I feel nothing but pain. I held it all together until when I got back to the car, and sadness overcame me.

This song is one she sang once, and I shall forever remember this as she sang it with so much heartfelt, even months ago, that I tear up whenever I listen to it.

Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?

Happy 10 years

Tonight we celebrated 10 years of being together. Everyday I love you even more, Twitchy.

Never again

I hate hate hate my life at the moment. I'm still sick- its been 2 weeks now. Diet is non existent. Lonely as hell, no social life since I get home from work at 7pm and try to rest up to get well.

And I'm still sick! So worn out, so depressed. I hate my work!

Lonely and sick

I haven't really mention it before but I was summoned in Melbourne for the month of May, to manage a bid.

This came as a huge shock because:

1) I wasn't given much notice- 3 days, in fact
2) I had no idea what I was in for - I was basically told to come down and help out
3) I don't do bids!! I have done bids early on in my career, but not managing them. It's beyond what I usually do
4) I am reporting to the Big Boss, which means I had to drop everything I was working on to work on this. And when I get back to my old job, my boss would have left for his month long hols
5) I turn 30, and have lots left to do on my wedding prep

Needless to say, I wasn't keen at all! It is a good job opportunity, proving myself to the company and doing the best I can. And I get to be in Melbourne- heavily preggers BFF is here, family here...

But I was torn. I was finally in the best shape of my life. I have a set routine and finally settling into life. I really don't want to be away from home!

.....

Anyway, here I am. It's been 2 weeks since i've been here... I went home the first weekend to celebrate my bday, then flew back to work on Monday.

Work is... Horrendous, yet satisfying. It has been an average of 12 hour workdays. 7 am to 7pm. I hardly see daylight. We commute 20kms to the west. Bid central is located on top of a depot in an industrial area. I got on top of work within days of being here. The team and the boss is a bit more calm with me managing the bid. So in that aspect, it has been rewarding.

However....I fell sick the beginning of week 2 and have been miserable since. It's hell, being alone in the hotel, without the comforts of home and nursing a fever, sore throat and flu.

It was an emotional roller coaster. Not one I share with anyone at work, but definitely a huge effect on me. I never thought I'd turn into one of those weak whining chicks but I did. It was just too difficult.

Fiancé popped by this weekend and we were both sick but it was still nice to have him around. And fiancé left today. And I broke.

How am I gonna survive another 2 weeks of being here?

30 and dirty?

So I had the bestest birthday ever! Threw an 80's theme party and had about 30 of my closest and dearest there. It was such a good feeling, to celebrate and rekindle some friendships that have been fading, well, not fading but kinda lost. Which seem imminent not that we're all older and busier lives.

Nevertheless I felt so loved, and am forever thankful to have people who care so much about me. My friends are my family and sometimes even closer than my family.

I love you all and I will always remember this special moment.

Bridesmaids Dresses

One big tick!

Saturday (28 April) was a momentous occasion. We found THE bridesmaids dresses at the second store we went to. The day started simple enough, took my gown over to my girl friend's and then tried it there. Then we went looking at a few stores and got her to try of a few dresses. Let's just call her SweetPea. Sweetpea is a bridesmaid at our wedding and she has been a pillar of support. She has been my pillar of strength over the past few years and truly one in a million.

It was fun, dressing up Sweetpea like a life-size doll! Anyway, we found the dress at the second store we were at, which coincidently is a couple of blocks again from home! And they were having a sale!

The dress, called "Mia" was on sale and after a fair bit of negotiation - had to play hardball to get the costs down - I decided to go for it! It's still slightly above my intended budget but I think its worth the little extra. Sweetpea looked amazing and the dress complimented her tiny frame!

Well there you go. Bridesmaids dresses - DONE!

Meltdown over

The day started well enough. Yesterday, I mean....We went to the cliffs, a scenic landscape, to contemplate, to see something new... Which was nice enough...

Then afternoon came, and I started to feel restless. Ate a packet of chips, then when even that failed, I went out to get this

And this...

And then went straight to bed. The End of a crappy day.

Never forget

5 years ago, on this very same day (Wednesday) daddy passed away.

The day my heart broke for the second time. Things have never been the same since.

I miss you dad. What I'd give to have you around, to talk to.
To walk down the aisle and have our dance

Wedding Cakes...part 2

My awesome weekend started with a wedding cake consultation. After a one-hour discussion on our ideal cake, we were finally given a quote of $850 for a two-tier cake.

The cake designer was an absolute delight. He was so outrageous, we hit it off immediately. Ahhh i wouldn't hesitate to work with them if they weren't so pricey! But check out what we were given to take home!!!

Of being size 8

I don't think I've mentioned my weight loss win, I have reached my "true weight" a few weeks ago.  What an enormous achievement!

Since then I've been on a short trip overseas, (where Dukan is virtually impossible in an Asian country) and indulged in Easter chocolates. One week back into the diet routine and here I am, at my "true weight" once again. 

I have decided to aim for an additional loss of 3kg, I predict that this would be quite a challenge. Nevertheless, I hope to reach this goal within the next 3 weeks!

I'm also now a size 8! 

I can't remember the last time I wear size 8 clothes. *teary eye*

I'm very proud of myself. And rightfully so.

Wedding Cakes...part 1

Had a shitty week but I'm currently doing something to balance out the unhappiness. 

Who would have thought that shopping for wedding cakes would have been so therapeutic?

If I weren't pushing to loose more kgs (minus 12 and counting) I would have loved to holler...

"Get In Muh Belly!"

True Weight

As of this morning, I have reached my "True Weight*"! I have lost 13kgs since Christmas!!!

Wowser!

I feel incredible, what a huge achievement. I've always maintained that I'd climb back on top. Be at the top of my game before i ever have kids. This is it!

What next? I'm going on a mini holiday this weekend (5 days!) and will aim to loose the holiday weight and an addition of 2+kg. Wish me luck!

*True Weight is a realistic, healthy weight that can help attain and maintain for the rest of your life. It takes into consideration a multitude of elements, such as family history, age, gender, how easily you put on weight, your height, your history of dieting, and so on.

Do your own homework!

Bridezilla rant *on*

Dear girl,

Love you to bits but can you, for f&ck sake get your act together and do your own homework? I'm really happy you've found Mr Right, even more that he propose. God knows how happy I am that we are able to share such happy moments in our life....but...

It's bad enough you decided to go with my photographer, even though you knew she is my photographer. Seriously? Who does that? Can you be a little bit more original?

Then you got us to meet up for breakfast, under false pretences. Felt as though you were trying to squeeze us for our supplier list. You put us in such uncomfortable situation, I felt paranoid that you were just there to gather "intelligence".

I hate that I have to get up to the point where I can't reveal who my suppliers are, or fake ignorance.

Well, I can't wait till we can actually kick back and enjoy each others company again, because frankly, at this rate, I don't want to see you until you get your shit sorted.

Love,
The more organised bride.

Bridezilla rant *off*

...Yes, I'm calling this a bridezilla post. It seems so trivial, to be upset over such little things in the grand scheme of life. But I can't help being upset! I can't help but feel as though my ideas are being stolen, right from under my nose. All the hard work, all the contacts....

....that never happened

After all the fanfare, the engagement shoot was called off due to poor weather.

I was gutted!

Yes, it was raining the entire day, but we thought it'd clear come sunset.

There were lots of umm'ing and ahh'ing with the photographer and makeup artist during midday, but after looking at the rain radar, Mr Other Half and I decided to go ahead, figuring that a little rain might actually be...romantic!

Unfortunately by 3pm, the photographer decided against the shoot, perhaps she didn't want to take any chances.  But by then, we'd bought our props (flowers and cupcakes), and I was already getting my hair and makeup done!

Mr Other Half event spent a couple of hours picking up cupcakes and playing florist while I was away!

4pm, and the weather was clearing up.

Just as Mr Other Half and I thought, grey skies would clear up! See the ray of light? It was all clear throughout sunset. which would have been perfect for a shoot!

How disappointing...

I'm trying to be positive, but I'm always irked when I can't kill two birds with one stone - get my makeup and hair done AND a photo shoot. Coulda, Woulda, SHOULDA!!!

...but on a positive note, my makeup and hair was perfect! The artist was not only professional, but also very nice! I felt like a princess, and can't wait for everyone to see them at the wedding. We even had time to try 4 hairstyles, take pictures of them and I can now take my time to decide which one I'd like on the BIG DAY.

We've rescheduled for a 7am shoot next month. Will be doing the sun dance until then.

Engagement shoot

I can't remember the last time I took a day off work, for something that's not holiday related. Today's a big day for me, it's a milestone!

I'm getting my hair and makeup trial done today to coincide with our engagement shoot. Me! I don't even know what veil i'd be wearing or if i'd like my hair up or down on that day.

Getting a hair and makeup done is so...final! Eeeep!

Also, been spending the past month stressing out over the engagement shoot - who would have thought props for a one/two hour shoot would cause so much stress?

Wish me luck!

Insomniac

Nobody ever tells you the hidden perils of wedding planning. The panic and anxiety of wanting THE wedding, of wanting a wedding that is absolutely unique to you and him.

And defining what makes you, you!

I'm want a wedding that's special, not only to me and him, but to all our guests.

Am I asking for too much?

I've been having many sleepless nights, worrying of crap like that. I don't know if it's entirely attributed to wedding planning - apparently being on diet does that to you.

....ok again

And just like that I'm ok again.

I have faith in the boy and myself, nobody can replicate our relationship and who we are.

And certainly not gonna sweat over the small stuff.

You don't have to stand out to be special.... and that's really us, in essence.

We're us :)

Why!?

One of my bridesmaids, who is getting married a month after me will be booking with the same photographer. MY PHOTOGRAPHER.

I am so dismayed. Why would anyone do that, especially with the circumstances? Our weddings are so close, and the photographer already doing mine?

:(

Fretting at 2am

The first few weeks when we got engaged, I was constantly awake in the wee hours of the morning, stressing over the venue, photographers, videographers and stylist. It was all about having choices, and making the right decision.

...I've been really lucky, being able to lock in my favourite (at a costly prize). 

I've had a good sleep for the past month, so why am I stressing out now? I'm a little disturbed that my suppliers haven't engaged me since. It's that lack of communication that's bothering me. Yes I need to be assured that they would engage us as a couple - how else can they capture us in action, getting married?

Maybe I am bridezilla. After all, the wedding's 7 months away...

RIP Whitney

I've made many remarks in the past, about how we all see it coming, how she publicly struggled with drugs.

But the saddest thing is to know is that she didn't die of it after all. And just when life was getting a little better from the many volatile years ago.

Found the dress, now what?

I'd like to say I'm a fairly chilled out bride. It's 7 months out and I've got most of the important stuff sorted. 

1. Wedding reception venue(s) - check
2. Photographer(s) - check
3. Videographer - check
4. Church - check
5. Gown - check
6. Church - check
7. Makeup and hair - check!

I pretty much spent the last month losing weight. (9kgs gone, 4 to go - wooooo hoooo!)

My next big project is THE engagement shoot. Wish me luck!

7 down, 5 to go

Miss Piggy was my breaking point. After waking up in sweat at the thought of being a fat bride with massive back cleavage, I vowed to get into shape, to be in the best shape of my life. After all, if I don't do something about this now, at this time in my life, when will I ever have the chance?

Today I am 7 kgs lighter than I was 5 weeks ago. Went on a 4-week Dukan diet, with one week break (being on holidays). I feel like one of those "after" models, holding up my fat pants. I never thought I'd ever get here! I've never felt this healthy my entire life.

I'm feeling really good, it's so tempting to shout this great achievement of mine from the rooftop. But I guess modesty is key, isn't it? 5 more kgs and I shall indulge and celebrate.

Loving it!

First wedding gown trial

Last Saturday, I did something I've been dreading.

I went to try wedding gowns.  No biggie there, didn't feel "emotional" at all. Instead, i tried ball gowns, princess cuts, mermaid cuts, one shoulder, straps, strapless, sleeves and no sleeve. In fact, I had so much fun I thought that perhaps I'm one of those lucky ones who do not succumb to emotions.

..I spoke too soon. Turned into an emotional wreck at night. I could think about is how much I'm missing my brother and dad. 

:(

Sigh.

Set the date, set the date!

What an immense relief.  After weeks of stressing and looking, we've finally decided on the wedding venues. Most importantly, the date! We've set the date!

The countdown begins!

Gotta loose weight....stat!

While furiously researching about the oversea wedding (yes I will be having two wedding reception), it occurred to me that I would have a limited time frame to loose the 10 kgs that I envision before dress fittings and pre-wedding photos. 

...Eep.

Or the wedding photos might look a little something like this...

Angst (and hurray for the blogger app)

I'm angry. There, I've said it. Just when I'm about to fade into an old, content (and almost unrecognisable) lady, my teenage angst emerges.

- I'm angry I never got the say on when events in my life should happen.
- I'm angry that even though things are seemingly falling into place, I feel as alone as ever.
- I'm angry and am tired of waiting.
- I'm angry I don't have an outlet to vent, that I can't even drink or smoke or act out. Even Twitter is reduced to cryptic 140 rants, with increasing "friend" followers.

Gone were the days I could just express myself and be anonymous.

So thank fuck for the Blogger app. I'm back!

Yes!

He proposed. On the 3rd of October 2011, he finally popped the question. No romantic speech, no big romantic lead up. A verbal vomit on Mission Beach, Qld , on the first night of our vacay.

It was a sweet gesture. And its at a beautiful setting - on the balcony of our beach front getaway. And he picked the perfect ring. What more can I ask? I am so blessed.

Yearning....

People who know me would find it hard to believe, but I think I'm there. I've lost a few years.... a few years of living in a smog, partying up a storm, I think I'm there.  After being in a 8-year relationship, I think there is a need for an affirmation of some sort. Perhaps it's my biological clock ticking, or me slowing down, or simply just growing up, I want so much more in my life...

I feel like I'm wasting away, waiting....and there are moments I feel I'm being taken for granted.  Yet, have I any choice? I never want to be the one who gives the ultimatum. I can't say anything. I'm gagged. I'm stuck. 

...and there's a niggling feeling, a fear of growing old and being played....

 

Halloween

I have a thirst. A thirst I can't seem to quench....

Happy Halloween! Is it just me, or are people getting more and more into "it"?

I don't remember much of Halloween in my childhood, just the occassional party. My only memory of "dressing up" for a halloween party was wearing a witches' hat one year. That's it. But, hey, we sure as well made up for it the past few years!

In fact, in almost every party the last few years!

I try to steer away from drama genre movies, especially the ones about someone dying from cancer.
The pain is just too fresh, too painful.

But today I got cheated into watching one. Damn it. I hate "The Last Song".
:(

food I live for

Had my wisdom teethe extracted a couple of days ago. While I certainly don't feel any different on an intellectual level (get it? get it?) I realise one important thing. There is a reason why I am never ever going to be skinny. I love food. Oh the agony of not being able to eat. I can only have that much soup.

Oh and another thing. Hungry me = grumpy me.

Choking

Awww man, woke up with a horrible sense of dread. Had another one of those nightmares again. Please.Let this be what it really should be. A nightmare. That's it. Please.

Karma

i believe in karma, i truly do. Surely if there is justice in the world, something would have been done to the bitching, the malice, the politics and the unfairness at work?

Problem is, can karma hit these people any sooner so that I can watch?

:'(

Personality Traits of Taurus Women

I am never one who follows horoscopes, I've never taken them seriously. Yesterday, during a team meeting at work, we were exchanging star signs, and I announced that I am a Taurus, along with 3 others. The boss commented that it is very obvious that I am a Taurus. That comment got me curious....so I googled it, of course!


Personality Traits of Taurus Women

A typical Taurean woman can be described as loving, reliable, artistic, attentive, gentle, calm and patient. She is introvert and deeply sensual, with considerable moral and emotional courage. She has a practical approach. She is loyal to her friends and stands by them in any situation.

Physical Appearance

Being ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, a Taurean woman is blessed with a charming and fascinating personality. Due to her magnetic personality, she becomes center of attraction in any party or event. Taurean woman typically has a rounded body with a thick neck and a broad forehead. She has a beautiful complexion, bright eyes, dark hair, broad shoulders and well-developed muscles. She has a nice, friendly way of communication. Taurean women are very careful about their appearance and need to have a strict diet to attain slimness. They are very careful about their appearance, be it hairstyle, beauty treatments or wearing attractive clothes.

General Nature

Taurean woman is generally very calm by nature. She is able to put up with lot of stress. She has a strong willpower with moral and emotional courage. She is capable of handling any serious problems. She is really dependable and faithful. She has got lots of patience. She is able to withstand great hardship.

Health

Taurean women generally enjoy good health. They are less sensitive to pains. But when they fall ill, the recovery is slow, because they are not cooperative to the doctor due to their stubborn nature. They can suffer from the diseases of throat and lower abdomen such as throat infection, diphtheria, tonsils, colds, constipation, etc. They may also suffer from sore eyes and pimples. For maintaining good health, they need to avoid cold stuffs and increase an intake of green vegetables.

Career

A career that requires social interaction is most suitable for the Taurean women. Since Taurean women lack in originality, they are not able to initiate great plans. They can follow the ideas of others. Due to great organization skills, Taurean women can effectively work in the world of politics and finance. They can be excellent artists, photographers and gardeners.

Love, Romance and Relationship

Taurean women are very romantic when in love and develop a strong emotional bond. Taurean woman can be a loving, caring, romantic partner. But, jealousy can be a severe problem in their relationships. Taurean women are most compatible with the people who belong to signs Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn and Pisces.

Marriage

Generally, Taurean woman takes a long time to select her life partner. Once married, she proves to be a devoted, ideal wife. She is really careful about her husband and children. She is a good homemaker and cook.

Negative Traits

Taurean women are too possessive about their belongings. They are too lazy and have a tendency to live life the easy way. They are somewhat stubborn and lose some good opportunities due to this nature. Being fond of food, they have a tendency to gain weight.

In a nutshell, beautiful, loyal, romantic Taurean women are an ideal friend, romantic lover and caring mother. Their dynamic, pleasant existence can brighten your life.

Great Expectations

I've learnt, time and time again to never put too much expectations on the ones around me. After all, it's true what they say, the higher you built something, the harder it comes crashing down.

I eat

I eat because I'm bored

I eat because I'm angry

I also eat to stop the tears from falling.

Undisclosed Desires

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

 
 
 

---

Find out now Link all your email accounts and social updates with Hotmail.

Effed state of mind

Sometimes I'm torn between wanting something so badly and not getting it and running away in the opposite direction if it were on fingertips.

The scariest thing is, I feel the urge to act out and drink myself into oblivion. Live the hedonistic lifestyle. Who cares? Right? No point holding back if I don't know where I'm going...



I just want to escape. Stay in a trance, in a Tiesto rave.

This works

Figured out a way to update the blog while on the go... Watch this space.

Brutal thoughts

So a dear friend has decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. And me, having kept this little gem to myself, decided to reveal itself.

A little like you show me yours, I show you mine?

....but my what? My D&M thoughts? My silly hot tempered tantrum? Seems like I only write when I feel over emotional. These days when I'm emotional, I tweet. Even then I'm loosing my anonymity.

I digress. Love you, Ms Avatar!

Aunt Estelle

Another milestone - I'm an aunt, a direct aunt. Words cannot describe how I feel. I'm so proud, I'm so happy with the new addition to the family. I'm so happy after a few sad episodes, we finally have a light shining through. Yet I'm sad. He looks like dad, i wonder what dad would say? I ponder how he would react to knowing he is now a grandpa....and how about Ed?!

I had an amazing dream two weeks before the arrival of the baby boy. At that time, we didn't know the sex of of the baby, keeping it a surprise, they say. In my dream, i saw a baby boy, who looked like Ed, my brother who passed away years ago. As I happily played with the happy baby (I like happy babies), it dawned on me that Ed is no longer around, so this is yet another dream.

So I looked up at him and say, but how can this happen? Is this your baby? He never replied, but smiled and edge away for me to see someone standing in the background. I saw my SIL (who was pregnant at that time) and then again, i realise that he's trying to tell me the baby's a boy!

I woke up so happy, telling the man of my dream. He is pretty much used to my visions and was amazed that we are having a boy for a nephew rather than anything else. Over the next few days, I shared my dream with my closest friends, and even mum. Then i figured that I better shut my trap, just in case it's just another dream.

And it really is to be. Baby Z came into the world 31 August 2009.

Taking chances

How often do you take chances?

I was wistfully pondering over this question. Seven years ago, life was free and easy and stress means handing over the assignments in time and passing the exams. Money miraculously appears in the bank account and 5 tequila shots at the Uni Bar night guarantees you a good time.

Today....?

We live is such materialistic world. Where the unwritten rules of normalcy dominates how we live. How we look, What we wear, and even how we go on holidays. When will the madness stop, when will we start living?

Lyrics | Lily Allen lyrics

Against All Odds....

I've quit.

Four short months into the new role and i've decided to quit. Why? And especially during these times, why? I blame it on my pride. I blame it on the fact that I refuse to be treated like a work mule. Even more, I'm making a statement. Work for me or I won't work for you!

So it's day one of being "in between" jobs.....I was so looking forward to having a break and here's my chance!

Now if only i could get over my paranoia of being jobless forever....


btw. No regrets!

New New and new!

I hate being new. i hate being new at work.

I had finally taken the plunge and swap my stagnant ol' job for a new one.

Whist I was devastated to leave the comfort and familiarity of the ol' workplace; I can't wait to actually "work" again.

To be pushed, to learn, to stress over the uncertainty!

.....OMG WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Tee hee hee

The girl with the smile and the big heart

Where you are, however you are...

We hope you are at peace..

One day we'll meet again.

Love,

Estelle

Uninspired

I don't know why i'm keeping this alive, or how is it i find things to write about.

....actually.....i don't. Hahaha!

Ok, it's not funny.

Over the past few months I have moved, I battled and worked my ass off at work.
I see myself age'ing and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.


and I am finding a bit of inner peace. Which is an indication that i will find a way to turn things around and f*ck them up. Leave it to me. I manage to do that anyhow.
Must be a talent. Self sabotage.Self destruct.




I saw dad the other day. I ran....and hugged him! We caught up, he seems well and going on a holiday, he says. I want to come along too! Take me! Can't...he says, can't take you along.

I had a tantrum. why not?!after all, we don't see each other much. If you are going to be selfish about this, i'll go on my own holiday. Come with me.

He refused. How I try to drag him to come along, how I pulled his hand....yet he stood still.

I sobbed....and still sobbed when i woke up.

Oh daddy....how much I miss you....

the weakest link

I am weak.

THERE. I said it.

The amount of times i fell sick. the duration of when i fall sick. It's worrying.

I woke up today with a sore throat. and decided to stay home from work. i figured that if i eat/sleep/drink lots of water i will feel better.

It's 4pm and i'm still not any better.

Why meeee?

Dashboard Confessions

i have a whole list to write about. Yes, i wrote alist of what i should write. What i should update my dear blog. But somehow, i can't bring myself to do it.

I feel......brain dead.Numb.


...Oh and it's not from being emo. Nu 'uh. Party Queen's been living it up with her crew.


I can't afford to sit still and feel.

a different thought

Maybe going back is not such a bad thing after all. Back in safe arms, safe cocoon; away from the sweet talkers, hamsap los, nagging bitches and ffk’ers. Suddenly I remember what it was like to snuggle in bed, to have someone be my taxi (even if it is from the bedroom to the toilet), of balcony drinking sessions, Friday night happy hours….and watching tv while being buried underneath two doonas. Of fresh air in Canberra…Beautiful roadtrips, my baby dog…

Is this the awakening?

I certainly hope so…I’m beginning to see the silver lining!

Dread

As I face the MAS.com.my website, with the credit card by my side, I break out in sweat. I don’t want to leave. All the panic attacks in the wee hours in the morning…it just doesn’t happen for no reason.

I love who I am over here. I love the fact that I go in and out as I like, no explanation, no commitment.
When I go back….it’s all about the security, doing the “right” thing, the routine, the boring old routine.
I often wonder if I should break it off. The 5 year bond. I need to re-discover myself. Who am I?

I sure as hell hope something happened to you because standing me up on a Friday night is inexcusable. And I declined other plans just to be with you too…
Boo Hoo.

Karma’s a bitch…

What goes around, comes around, dear girl. Did you think all those cheating and sleeping around behind his back won’t come back and bite you in the ass?

So you think u can just wipe your slate clean, 1 year down the road and land yourself prince charming? He is just not into you. Give up already.

And quit acting all wounded and shit. You’re fine, just hit the clubs and pick up, like you always do.

Do you feel like i feel

What it feels like to be lost, as lost as how I am now? I can’t describe this phase (I hope) that I’m going through. Never have I felt so lost. I’ve been standing still for a while, only to see everyone else zoom past. I have no goals, no focus. I lost my appetite. I can’t sleep (an average night’s sleep is 4 hours) and worst of all, my emotions have gone haywire. I said things that I shouldn’t have to this wolf. I had feelings that I shouldn’t been feeling. I have cravings for everything alcoholic and nicotine.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone pull me out of this rut. Somebody save me. Please. I beg you. Or just put a bullet in my head/heart.

Are you really that blind, or did you choose not to see that being 25, I have my own life to live?
Did you really think that the “right” thing to do is to live by your straight rule?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Just because you didn’t have a life doesn’t mean I’d be like you. I sure hope I don’t end up like you – scared, cooped up and stuck in a rut.

Pah. Pathetic.

lay a whisper
steal a kiss
unsaid moments
an eternal bliss

set my soul on fire
thy fatal lips
for what you desire
is within your fingertips

oh how cruel life is
of temptations, tests and tragedies

How can you be strong
when things are just so wrong?

Light a rainbow

I need to have you near me
in a time when nothing's lasting long.
And I need to feel you close to me
as my lover, I need to keep you warm.
'Cause my life is so unreal without you.You're an angel, I see you passing by.
And the voice that calls me under, baby
as a mother crying for her child.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

Like a riverboat at open sea
on a tide, free of rock and land.
It leads me to surrender, baby
as a wave, draining in the sand.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

The day it rained forever

I've no regrets,
time to forget
If your lookin' for some kind of a soul remedy,
take control of it
Its back again,
deep in my head
But somethin' tells me to make my move,
save my energy

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever
(Rained forever)

Were angels
watchin' the world,
But you can't stop the feeling
that nothing's real
It's a dream
So break free,
got to survive
A new day is dawning,
just wait for a morning star

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever

Words can’t express the pain I’m feeling. The loss, the grief….

Daddy passed away Wednesday 25th April 2007. He fought a hard battle, even when he was on life support.

I love you dee. I’ll never forget u and can only hope we’ll be together again some day.


...I'll write abt it when i feel like it. i need to compose myself.

Home

I’m home. I feel as though I’m truly home. The air smells heavenly, my car and my babies are here, most importantly, I’m back in my safe cocoon’s arms.

So why do I feel lost, again? Seems as though I’d be lost no matter where I am. Am I doomed to be like this? Or am I trying to hard to settle down too quickly?

My life’s a mess. I’m an emotional mess, I’m in financial mess and physically, I’m horrified.

There better be a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel.

Insincere bitch

didn't ur momma teach u manners? ever heard of what courtesy is?

Don't tell me you want to come out tonight, because it's my last night here.
Don't tell me we'd drink, talk and be merry

Then turn around and...

get everyone to call me as though i organised it
sleep and not say a thing to me
and ask me, instead, what am i and everyone else is doing?

what the fuck is wrong with you? I didn't ask to go out with you in the first place.
i cancelled all appointments because you assume that, being my good friend, we'd spend time together.

Insincere bitch.

p/s - it's not the first time, obviously won't be the last.

Try

Try to understand me
Try to understand what I mean when I say I’m alright or I’m ok or I’m fine.

I’m not.

And for the last time, I’m NOT strong. I don’t want to be strong
I just want to run away.

What dreams may come

i remember watching this movie. I was depressed then. but it gave me the sense of peace i needed.

So I don’t care if there is(or not) something going on between the two of you.
Why drag me into this? I don’t need your sympathy, I certainly didn’t feel the need to witness the revolting intimacy.

Why me? Why put me through the uncomfortable silence of a stranger? To be enthusiastically faking happiness, to reminisce days that was never mine, to relive the pain of going through puberty.

So my life sucks. You win.
I hope u are happy talking and “sympathising” with my sad sad life.
One day you’ll understand.

I came back anticipating tough times. And boy, was I ever right.
I don’t think I can even write about it. I’m just so…..tired.

Why?

Video break

This is wayyy sexy


and i like this song


So maybe i like emma bunton.....hmmmm

Dark Morning

It’s still dark at 7:15 in the morning. Aptly reflecting how I am feeling at the moment. An sms sent me scurrying for a flight and 12 hours later, here I am.
Where do I start? What do I do?


____________________________________________________________________________________


Its not so bad after all. Or was it cause I was expecting worst? Or are things much better because I’m home? Why do I feel so foreign here? So….out of place, amongst cafes, or chinese ballads, of the funny sounding English on tv and radio? Not to mention the obligatory smile, and hospitality to the endless amount of relatives, some who are rude….

I miss my safe cocoon.

Patience

lyrics - Take That Lyrics

I just had a fortune cookie.

"Grace is the divine ability to copy with every circumstance"

what a fucking joke.

Irony kills

I feel sick

Multiple Myeloma. Sounds harmless. but if u wiki it. You know.
You won’t be able to breathe.

And here I am. At crossroads again.

What do I do next?

It’s 10pm and I start working tomorrow. Precisely at 9am. I’m a nervous wreck, I feel shitty as it is and can feel panic attacks coming my way. I desperately need to speak to someone and guess what? The boy went to bed. What a pig. See. This is what happens when you been together with someone for so long. They take you for granted…Never mind the fact that you’re upset, there’s heaps of chores to do - laundry to be folded and ironed and dishes to wash. What does the boy do? SLEEP!

I liken this to a see saw relationship; u’re always on the ground, the other person’s in the air and enjoying himself without caring if you’re hurting at all.

I hate you.

It is pure torture to not being able to satisfy a craving immediately.

Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam laksa. Asam laksa. Asam Laksa. Asam Laksa.

Sigh…

...

Every so often I get this nagging feeling which makes me break out in sweat. I guess it can be classified as a panic attack with difficulty in breathing and cold sweat dripping down my back.

Every so often, my paranoid mind reminds me that Dad is not getting any younger. Dad recently had a minor operation to remove two lumps off his back. Two cyst, which hopefully be benign when the biopsy results comes out.

I don’t know what else is there to say. The guilt, the pain….Someone please tell me what to do.