Undisclosed Desires

I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognise your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

 
 
 

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Effed state of mind

Sometimes I'm torn between wanting something so badly and not getting it and running away in the opposite direction if it were on fingertips.

The scariest thing is, I feel the urge to act out and drink myself into oblivion. Live the hedonistic lifestyle. Who cares? Right? No point holding back if I don't know where I'm going...



I just want to escape. Stay in a trance, in a Tiesto rave.

This works

Figured out a way to update the blog while on the go... Watch this space.

Brutal thoughts

So a dear friend has decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. And me, having kept this little gem to myself, decided to reveal itself.

A little like you show me yours, I show you mine?

....but my what? My D&M thoughts? My silly hot tempered tantrum? Seems like I only write when I feel over emotional. These days when I'm emotional, I tweet. Even then I'm loosing my anonymity.

I digress. Love you, Ms Avatar!

Aunt Estelle

Another milestone - I'm an aunt, a direct aunt. Words cannot describe how I feel. I'm so proud, I'm so happy with the new addition to the family. I'm so happy after a few sad episodes, we finally have a light shining through. Yet I'm sad. He looks like dad, i wonder what dad would say? I ponder how he would react to knowing he is now a grandpa....and how about Ed?!

I had an amazing dream two weeks before the arrival of the baby boy. At that time, we didn't know the sex of of the baby, keeping it a surprise, they say. In my dream, i saw a baby boy, who looked like Ed, my brother who passed away years ago. As I happily played with the happy baby (I like happy babies), it dawned on me that Ed is no longer around, so this is yet another dream.

So I looked up at him and say, but how can this happen? Is this your baby? He never replied, but smiled and edge away for me to see someone standing in the background. I saw my SIL (who was pregnant at that time) and then again, i realise that he's trying to tell me the baby's a boy!

I woke up so happy, telling the man of my dream. He is pretty much used to my visions and was amazed that we are having a boy for a nephew rather than anything else. Over the next few days, I shared my dream with my closest friends, and even mum. Then i figured that I better shut my trap, just in case it's just another dream.

And it really is to be. Baby Z came into the world 31 August 2009.

Taking chances

How often do you take chances?

I was wistfully pondering over this question. Seven years ago, life was free and easy and stress means handing over the assignments in time and passing the exams. Money miraculously appears in the bank account and 5 tequila shots at the Uni Bar night guarantees you a good time.

Today....?

We live is such materialistic world. Where the unwritten rules of normalcy dominates how we live. How we look, What we wear, and even how we go on holidays. When will the madness stop, when will we start living?

Lyrics | Lily Allen lyrics

Against All Odds....

I've quit.

Four short months into the new role and i've decided to quit. Why? And especially during these times, why? I blame it on my pride. I blame it on the fact that I refuse to be treated like a work mule. Even more, I'm making a statement. Work for me or I won't work for you!

So it's day one of being "in between" jobs.....I was so looking forward to having a break and here's my chance!

Now if only i could get over my paranoia of being jobless forever....


btw. No regrets!

New New and new!

I hate being new. i hate being new at work.

I had finally taken the plunge and swap my stagnant ol' job for a new one.

Whist I was devastated to leave the comfort and familiarity of the ol' workplace; I can't wait to actually "work" again.

To be pushed, to learn, to stress over the uncertainty!

.....OMG WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Tee hee hee

The girl with the smile and the big heart

Where you are, however you are...

We hope you are at peace..

One day we'll meet again.

Love,

Estelle

Uninspired

I don't know why i'm keeping this alive, or how is it i find things to write about.

....actually.....i don't. Hahaha!

Ok, it's not funny.

Over the past few months I have moved, I battled and worked my ass off at work.
I see myself age'ing and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.


and I am finding a bit of inner peace. Which is an indication that i will find a way to turn things around and f*ck them up. Leave it to me. I manage to do that anyhow.
Must be a talent. Self sabotage.Self destruct.




I saw dad the other day. I ran....and hugged him! We caught up, he seems well and going on a holiday, he says. I want to come along too! Take me! Can't...he says, can't take you along.

I had a tantrum. why not?!after all, we don't see each other much. If you are going to be selfish about this, i'll go on my own holiday. Come with me.

He refused. How I try to drag him to come along, how I pulled his hand....yet he stood still.

I sobbed....and still sobbed when i woke up.

Oh daddy....how much I miss you....

the weakest link

I am weak.

THERE. I said it.

The amount of times i fell sick. the duration of when i fall sick. It's worrying.

I woke up today with a sore throat. and decided to stay home from work. i figured that if i eat/sleep/drink lots of water i will feel better.

It's 4pm and i'm still not any better.

Why meeee?

Dashboard Confessions

i have a whole list to write about. Yes, i wrote alist of what i should write. What i should update my dear blog. But somehow, i can't bring myself to do it.

I feel......brain dead.Numb.


...Oh and it's not from being emo. Nu 'uh. Party Queen's been living it up with her crew.


I can't afford to sit still and feel.

a different thought

Maybe going back is not such a bad thing after all. Back in safe arms, safe cocoon; away from the sweet talkers, hamsap los, nagging bitches and ffk’ers. Suddenly I remember what it was like to snuggle in bed, to have someone be my taxi (even if it is from the bedroom to the toilet), of balcony drinking sessions, Friday night happy hours….and watching tv while being buried underneath two doonas. Of fresh air in Canberra…Beautiful roadtrips, my baby dog…

Is this the awakening?

I certainly hope so…I’m beginning to see the silver lining!

Dread

As I face the MAS.com.my website, with the credit card by my side, I break out in sweat. I don’t want to leave. All the panic attacks in the wee hours in the morning…it just doesn’t happen for no reason.

I love who I am over here. I love the fact that I go in and out as I like, no explanation, no commitment.
When I go back….it’s all about the security, doing the “right” thing, the routine, the boring old routine.
I often wonder if I should break it off. The 5 year bond. I need to re-discover myself. Who am I?

I sure as hell hope something happened to you because standing me up on a Friday night is inexcusable. And I declined other plans just to be with you too…
Boo Hoo.

Karma’s a bitch…

What goes around, comes around, dear girl. Did you think all those cheating and sleeping around behind his back won’t come back and bite you in the ass?

So you think u can just wipe your slate clean, 1 year down the road and land yourself prince charming? He is just not into you. Give up already.

And quit acting all wounded and shit. You’re fine, just hit the clubs and pick up, like you always do.

Do you feel like i feel

What it feels like to be lost, as lost as how I am now? I can’t describe this phase (I hope) that I’m going through. Never have I felt so lost. I’ve been standing still for a while, only to see everyone else zoom past. I have no goals, no focus. I lost my appetite. I can’t sleep (an average night’s sleep is 4 hours) and worst of all, my emotions have gone haywire. I said things that I shouldn’t have to this wolf. I had feelings that I shouldn’t been feeling. I have cravings for everything alcoholic and nicotine.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone pull me out of this rut. Somebody save me. Please. I beg you. Or just put a bullet in my head/heart.

Are you really that blind, or did you choose not to see that being 25, I have my own life to live?
Did you really think that the “right” thing to do is to live by your straight rule?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Just because you didn’t have a life doesn’t mean I’d be like you. I sure hope I don’t end up like you – scared, cooped up and stuck in a rut.

Pah. Pathetic.

lay a whisper
steal a kiss
unsaid moments
an eternal bliss

set my soul on fire
thy fatal lips
for what you desire
is within your fingertips

oh how cruel life is
of temptations, tests and tragedies

How can you be strong
when things are just so wrong?