Taking chances

How often do you take chances?

I was wistfully pondering over this question. Seven years ago, life was free and easy and stress means handing over the assignments in time and passing the exams. Money miraculously appears in the bank account and 5 tequila shots at the Uni Bar night guarantees you a good time.

Today....?

We live is such materialistic world. Where the unwritten rules of normalcy dominates how we live. How we look, What we wear, and even how we go on holidays. When will the madness stop, when will we start living?

Lyrics | Lily Allen lyrics

Against All Odds....

I've quit.

Four short months into the new role and i've decided to quit. Why? And especially during these times, why? I blame it on my pride. I blame it on the fact that I refuse to be treated like a work mule. Even more, I'm making a statement. Work for me or I won't work for you!

So it's day one of being "in between" jobs.....I was so looking forward to having a break and here's my chance!

Now if only i could get over my paranoia of being jobless forever....


btw. No regrets!

New New and new!

I hate being new. i hate being new at work.

I had finally taken the plunge and swap my stagnant ol' job for a new one.

Whist I was devastated to leave the comfort and familiarity of the ol' workplace; I can't wait to actually "work" again.

To be pushed, to learn, to stress over the uncertainty!

.....OMG WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?

Tee hee hee

The girl with the smile and the big heart

Where you are, however you are...

We hope you are at peace..

One day we'll meet again.

Love,

Estelle

Uninspired

I don't know why i'm keeping this alive, or how is it i find things to write about.

....actually.....i don't. Hahaha!

Ok, it's not funny.

Over the past few months I have moved, I battled and worked my ass off at work.
I see myself age'ing and I'm utterly disgusted with myself.


and I am finding a bit of inner peace. Which is an indication that i will find a way to turn things around and f*ck them up. Leave it to me. I manage to do that anyhow.
Must be a talent. Self sabotage.Self destruct.




I saw dad the other day. I ran....and hugged him! We caught up, he seems well and going on a holiday, he says. I want to come along too! Take me! Can't...he says, can't take you along.

I had a tantrum. why not?!after all, we don't see each other much. If you are going to be selfish about this, i'll go on my own holiday. Come with me.

He refused. How I try to drag him to come along, how I pulled his hand....yet he stood still.

I sobbed....and still sobbed when i woke up.

Oh daddy....how much I miss you....

the weakest link

I am weak.

THERE. I said it.

The amount of times i fell sick. the duration of when i fall sick. It's worrying.

I woke up today with a sore throat. and decided to stay home from work. i figured that if i eat/sleep/drink lots of water i will feel better.

It's 4pm and i'm still not any better.

Why meeee?

Dashboard Confessions

i have a whole list to write about. Yes, i wrote alist of what i should write. What i should update my dear blog. But somehow, i can't bring myself to do it.

I feel......brain dead.Numb.


...Oh and it's not from being emo. Nu 'uh. Party Queen's been living it up with her crew.


I can't afford to sit still and feel.

a different thought

Maybe going back is not such a bad thing after all. Back in safe arms, safe cocoon; away from the sweet talkers, hamsap los, nagging bitches and ffk’ers. Suddenly I remember what it was like to snuggle in bed, to have someone be my taxi (even if it is from the bedroom to the toilet), of balcony drinking sessions, Friday night happy hours….and watching tv while being buried underneath two doonas. Of fresh air in Canberra…Beautiful roadtrips, my baby dog…

Is this the awakening?

I certainly hope so…I’m beginning to see the silver lining!

Dread

As I face the MAS.com.my website, with the credit card by my side, I break out in sweat. I don’t want to leave. All the panic attacks in the wee hours in the morning…it just doesn’t happen for no reason.

I love who I am over here. I love the fact that I go in and out as I like, no explanation, no commitment.
When I go back….it’s all about the security, doing the “right” thing, the routine, the boring old routine.
I often wonder if I should break it off. The 5 year bond. I need to re-discover myself. Who am I?

I sure as hell hope something happened to you because standing me up on a Friday night is inexcusable. And I declined other plans just to be with you too…
Boo Hoo.

Karma’s a bitch…

What goes around, comes around, dear girl. Did you think all those cheating and sleeping around behind his back won’t come back and bite you in the ass?

So you think u can just wipe your slate clean, 1 year down the road and land yourself prince charming? He is just not into you. Give up already.

And quit acting all wounded and shit. You’re fine, just hit the clubs and pick up, like you always do.

Do you feel like i feel

What it feels like to be lost, as lost as how I am now? I can’t describe this phase (I hope) that I’m going through. Never have I felt so lost. I’ve been standing still for a while, only to see everyone else zoom past. I have no goals, no focus. I lost my appetite. I can’t sleep (an average night’s sleep is 4 hours) and worst of all, my emotions have gone haywire. I said things that I shouldn’t have to this wolf. I had feelings that I shouldn’t been feeling. I have cravings for everything alcoholic and nicotine.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone pull me out of this rut. Somebody save me. Please. I beg you. Or just put a bullet in my head/heart.

Are you really that blind, or did you choose not to see that being 25, I have my own life to live?
Did you really think that the “right” thing to do is to live by your straight rule?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Just because you didn’t have a life doesn’t mean I’d be like you. I sure hope I don’t end up like you – scared, cooped up and stuck in a rut.

Pah. Pathetic.

lay a whisper
steal a kiss
unsaid moments
an eternal bliss

set my soul on fire
thy fatal lips
for what you desire
is within your fingertips

oh how cruel life is
of temptations, tests and tragedies

How can you be strong
when things are just so wrong?

Light a rainbow

I need to have you near me
in a time when nothing's lasting long.
And I need to feel you close to me
as my lover, I need to keep you warm.
'Cause my life is so unreal without you.You're an angel, I see you passing by.
And the voice that calls me under, baby
as a mother crying for her child.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

Like a riverboat at open sea
on a tide, free of rock and land.
It leads me to surrender, baby
as a wave, draining in the sand.

When the sun lights a rainbow
of the tears of joy, I cry for you.
And the dreamers, dream forever
then I know, I'll be here with you.

The day it rained forever

I've no regrets,
time to forget
If your lookin' for some kind of a soul remedy,
take control of it
Its back again,
deep in my head
But somethin' tells me to make my move,
save my energy

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever
(Rained forever)

Were angels
watchin' the world,
But you can't stop the feeling
that nothing's real
It's a dream
So break free,
got to survive
A new day is dawning,
just wait for a morning star

[Bridge]
Is it really hurt,
that I feel
or is it just the thought of you thats killin' me?
I don't wanna break it
and watch it melt away

[Chorus]
When I wake I feel the sun inside,
I know I'll be alright,
On the day it rained forever

All around the walls are breaking down
Nothing makes a sound,
On the day it rained forever

Words can’t express the pain I’m feeling. The loss, the grief….

Daddy passed away Wednesday 25th April 2007. He fought a hard battle, even when he was on life support.

I love you dee. I’ll never forget u and can only hope we’ll be together again some day.


...I'll write abt it when i feel like it. i need to compose myself.

Home

I’m home. I feel as though I’m truly home. The air smells heavenly, my car and my babies are here, most importantly, I’m back in my safe cocoon’s arms.

So why do I feel lost, again? Seems as though I’d be lost no matter where I am. Am I doomed to be like this? Or am I trying to hard to settle down too quickly?

My life’s a mess. I’m an emotional mess, I’m in financial mess and physically, I’m horrified.

There better be a light at the end of this deep dark tunnel.

Insincere bitch

didn't ur momma teach u manners? ever heard of what courtesy is?

Don't tell me you want to come out tonight, because it's my last night here.
Don't tell me we'd drink, talk and be merry

Then turn around and...

get everyone to call me as though i organised it
sleep and not say a thing to me
and ask me, instead, what am i and everyone else is doing?

what the fuck is wrong with you? I didn't ask to go out with you in the first place.
i cancelled all appointments because you assume that, being my good friend, we'd spend time together.

Insincere bitch.

p/s - it's not the first time, obviously won't be the last.