Strong

So I never did complete my birthday post, it turned out pretty well. Hubby and I took half a day off work to watch a movie and go on a date. It was business as usually after that , we picked baby from daycare and went home.

Was truly thankful for that 3-4 hours of us time. I miss us. I love baby with all my heart but I miss us. Us these days only happen after 7 when baby's gone to bed and by then we're both just too exhausted to do anything but have cookies and milk and zone out in front of the tv....

I do realize I whinge a lot. But that's the reality of having a baby and having no support... Life is hard.

Twitchy is in for a minor surgery today and will be in the hospital overnight. Recovery is expected to take 1-2 weeks and up to 6 weeks before he gets stronger again. Which means... I'm on my own.

I sound so selfish. But I am overwhelmed. How am I expected to care for baby, baby daddy and myself at the same time?

Birthday Blues

So it's my birthday today. Never have I felt this low on my birthday. So what if it is my birthday? Work still sucks, baby still wakes in the middle of the night ( we are talking about 3 times on average) and I am still tired and snowed under a list of million things to do.

....  

Fake it till you make it

Returning to work after 9 months of maternity leave is tough enough as it is...

But returning to work with a new boss and no team is even harder. Bye bye support system. It's as though I am starting a new job all over again!

My mantra these days? Fake it till you make it!

Another milestone

Up until last night, Baby K was sleeping in our room, in her own cot, of course. That's 8+ months of co-sleeping in the bedroom. We thought it makes sense, after all, we won't have to get up and go too far to settle/sooth baby when she gets up at night. 

Well, it kind of backfired. When baby k started getting more alert, which was 6 months onwards, little noises wakes her up. And twitchy and I do toss and turn a fair bit in bed.

So we bit the bullet and move baby k and all her things into the room next door. I was gutted and felt lost. My baby, my baby is growing! First daycare and now... Sleeping in her own room on her own! Wow, motherhood does fill your heart with so much emotions and feelings....

Keep calm and carry on

My first week back at work and I took one day off to take care of a sick baby. Sheesh. I've turned into one of those parents who has to constantly take off for their kids!

We've been fighting off illnesses for the past 1 month now. I wonder when we will ever be normal again? On that note - Bethany's been to daycare for a month now! Except that she's absent half the time, from being sick!

And come to think of it, routine is non existent since daycare started.

Oh help.

Back to work | End of maternity leave

Dear Future Self,

Today is the first day I'm back at work after 9 months of maternity leave. Bethany is 8 months. I hope I never ever have to go through this again. The guilt, the stress, the exhaustion.

Started off ok. Twitchy and I were nervous but we had a plan. Twitchy would drop her off, I'd pick her up after. Simple as that. Not quite.

Baby K woke up at 5:45am (way too early, she'd usually still till 6:30 or 7). This meant that she'd be exhausted and hungry by the time she got to daycare. I breastfed her at 6:45am, before I'd leave for work. Unfortunately because Baby K's been sick and has a bad cough, she vomited all that she fed, onto my outfit. I left for work with a heavy heart - knowing we're off to a bad start.

Twitchy and I decided we ought to take her to the doctors to check her cough. But because i can't leave work early, Twitchy had to do it. So he left work early, picked Baby K from daycare and went to the doctors. When he got there, he discovered she poo'ed all over herself and the car seat. As well as Twitchy's clothes. AND THERE WERE NO NAPPY BAG. NO NAPPIES, NO WET WIPES. Needless to say, it was a messy and smelly affair, not to mention an unpleasant one to deal with at the doctors.

The good news is that the doctor says there is nothing unusual with her cough - it's a follow on from her cold.

So here we are, having tucked baby to bed and feeling exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm torn. All I'm doing at the moment is cry. and pray and wish things will get better. And that I'll never feel this way again.....


To the future me, here's what I'd like you to remember

• Express milk. Religiously. Make sure you have enough milk to last baby a month.
• Formula - alternate formula from 6 months onwards. Be strong. One formula feed per day won't kill her.
• Sleep train by 5 months. Sleep is everything. You need sleep before you can care for your kids.
• Money. Save as much as you can. Take as much time off as you can. A year? The last thing you 'd want for baby #2 is to be at daycare before he/she is even 1. 

The tired mum

Yet another sleepless night. 

Baby K has never slept through the night. Which means it has been 8 months since I had a full night sleep. I am battling fatigue now. It didn't used to bother me as she would wake up 2-3 times a night to feed, but would go straight to sleep.

For the past 3 weeks I have been waking up an average of 5-6 times a night and it takes me much longer to get her to sleep her again. Yes, she was sick for a week, but it's all done and dusted. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. I clocked only three hours of sleep and only 2 hours of it from 6am to 8am. So you can guess how my night was. 

My cold is lingering because... Surprise surprise, I don't get any sleep! And I go back to work next week (part time, of course).

8 months is a very long time to go without one decent nights sleep. I think I deserve it.

Of 7 months and daycare

Wow! Time sure felt like it's flying by now. Every day I tell myself - I ought to update my blog about baby K's development. Yet I never have time!

In short ...

I start work next week

Baby K started going to daycare on feb 17 ( thats 2 weeks ago)

Baby K's first day at daycare for an emotional one for me.

Luckily my brother and family was here on a 2 week holiday to distract me.

The past 2 weeks has been a test of routines ( mine and baby's) as we are constantly tested and stretched.

Baby K fell sick after her first day of daycare , so did Twitchy and I a few days after....

Baby K is now a baby, baby. She is not longer tiny and fragile but solid and fiesty!

Baby K is now very clingy - I am not sure if it's because she was sick? Or it's an age thing....

So that's it for now. Life is constantly changing. And I am terrified. I miss the quiet routine days I had with baby....

6 months

Writing this post a few days later. Baby K is 6 months old! I'm feeling a little emotional as I type this. We're still sleep deprived, and currently struggling with routine as a result of the 2 week Xmas/New Year holidays. BUT everytime I look at my baby my heart feels like it could burst with joy and love. My darling, my love, my sunshine.....all my sleep (or lack of) forgotten the moment she smiles and laughs. How quickly she seem to be growing now. I've probably said this before but there's always a first, a milestone everyother day - she is just growing and changing every day!

The latest? Her bottom two teeth, which made an appearance the evening before she turned 6 months. Her voice is changing too, or rather, she found new noises to make. I've also been told Baby K is beginning to look more like me!


(in two days, that is)

Baby K will be 20 weeks in 2 days. And I've been quite slack updating her progress here. And I really should document it, seeing that my memory is non-existent these days.

I've been sick twice in the past two weeks and still am coughing my lungs away! Before baby, I have always been a bit of a baby when I'm down with the flu. It's worst with the baby around. Because i am breastfeeding, i can't take medication. Because I am caring for baby, I am not rested. Hence  us going through not-so-nice times at the moment....

I'm feeling a little better though, and I resolve to eat a little better (which seems possible, more on this later). Mum will also be visiting for 2 weeks. I really am looking forward to it. No doubt we'd have our difference and will most likely argue and fight...but I really like seeing Bethany with grandma. Don't know why!

Xmas is also fast approaching...and I'm in panic! I'm not ready for Xmas. My body's not in tip top shape, my bank account is dwindling...and the home is not decked out!

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Growth :

Baby K is now 6.5 kgs. She is still in the 20th percentile growth rate, and is small compared to other babies - but Twitchy and I aren't tall either...

Sleep:

Baby K was sleeping longer at night was was waking up only once for a feed. And then it all went down the drain when we went to Canberra for Xmas and had a NYE party...and her teething happened. Teething's a bitch. Baby K is harder to settle, refuses to sleep for long and cries a fair bit more!

Eat : 
We've just started solids over the holidays (28th Dec). Boy, life sure is a lot more complicated when you have to plan baby's food menu. and prepare them. and cook. and clean. Urgh!

Outings :

We're still actively going out with the Mothers Group. But I am also now happy staying home a few times a week. It's just more bearable and not as painful as before! in fact I love some quiet time while baby's asleep and hearing myself think!...
We did go out for dinner on Xmas eve with the family. It was a success, and baby actually stayed up to open Xmas presents. Poor girl was overtired but it's a once in a blue moon event.

Milestones :

Some milestones since the last - she screams a bit (sure has a huge lungs!), she loves playing and giggling a fair bit now, she flips freely (but not too often). She's on solids now and loves her water (pear is her favourite so far!) AND of course, the latest big development, teething!

Settling: 
It was easy but she's been very difficult the past few days. Poor bub must be uncomfortable from gum pains. I am told that this will pass and she will go back to her usual. Fingers Crossed!

Clothes: 
00s. and I tend to cover up her skin when she flares up.

Physical developments:
Baby K's got a bit more hair now. and a big gummy smile that i absolutely love! I noticed her lashes growing and curling a little bit more now. She's still my tiny baby and I am cherishing every moment I have with her. Her skin is getting a little better with flare ups every now and then. She has a bit of skin discolouration, so Twitchy and I decided to book in to see a skin specialist. I don't think its anything serious but good to get an expert to see her skin and get a bit more direction.

Complex thoughts

My rship with my mum is a very odd one. Tumultuous at best. If there is an epitome of love hate relationship this would be it. So she had been here for the past 2 weeks. The first 10 days was perfect and then we had a major argument. There is always a major argument that ends in tears, shouts and I hate yous. A day or two later it all dissipates and life goes on.

... And when she leaves I miss her. So much. *tears*

Fear

Sometimes when people comment of my resemblance to mum, I shudder with fear.  I don't mind so much the physical resemblance, but more of the behavior. I hope to never be like her - razor mouth without any care for anyone's feelings. It's such a sad life to live. If I'm conscience enough of this, I hope to never be like this. 

20 weeks and rolled over

Baby k rolled over today. What a milestone! Amazingly was able to share this lovely moment with mum. Felt like a very special thing to share.

20 weeks

(in two days, that is)

Baby K will be 20 weeks in 2 days. And I've been quite slack updating her progress here. And I really should document it, seeing that my memory is non-existent these days.

I've been sick twice in the past two weeks and still am coughing my lungs away! Before baby, I have always been a bit of a baby when I'm down with the flu. It's worst with the baby around. Because i am breastfeeding, i can't take medication. Because I am caring for baby, I am not rested. Hence  us going through not-so-nice times at the moment....

I'm feeling a little better though, and I resolve to eat a little better (which seems possible, more on this later). Mum will also be visiting for 2 weeks. I really am looking forward to it. No doubt we'd have our difference and will most likely argue and fight...but I really like seeing Bethany with grandma. Don't know why!

Xmas is also fast approaching...and I'm in panic! I'm not ready for Xmas. My body's not in tip top shape, my bank account is dwindling...and the home is not decked out!

--------------------------------------------

Growth :

Baby K has hit 5kgs! She is still a small baby and I'll never expect her to be as big as others but it very cute to see her filling out her clothes and seeing those fat folds!

Sleep:

Baby K still wakes up 2-3 times at night. I'm pretty much used to it but it was quite painful to do when I was sick. It took me a while to settle back to sleep with a congested nose and just when I'm about to drift back to sleep....bam! Up time again.
There's also a sleep pattern emerging for daytime. She tends to have 2 big sleeps and 1-2 naps during the day. Which is a sigh of relief. She pretty much started doing this 2 weeks ago and it's really nice to have some time to myself. i was able to steal a nap here and there as well as cook dinner!  Good time for Twitchy and me to review our really bad eating habits. 

Eat : 
Exclusive breastfed, though I am planning to feed her formula every so often to get her used to it. It'll help us in the long run if i go back to work or need to be out (and revisit my social life)

Outings :

We're active on Mothers Groups and at one point, was seeing all my mummy friends 2-3 times a week!

Milestones :

So many milestones, but here's a summary. She can now giggle, she flipped over once (but not since), she is very alert and likes to look around - hence at times prefers to be carried rather than in the pram. Her motor skills are quite refined - she reaches out and grab things to put in her mouth.

Settling: 
It's getting increasingly easy to settle baby. Even Twitchy can do it now. It all boils down to us being able to correctly reading her body language and setting the scene for her sleep (soothing environment, right temperature, a swaddle, pacifier and some shushing).

Clothes: 
Outgrowing size 000s, and into 00s. now that its getting warmer, we're showing a bit more skin!

Physical developments:
The past month has been quite a challenge. Baby K's skin was in a really bad condition. It was red, itchy and weeping. She would not have much sleep at night as she would scratch her head. Even mittens don't seem to work, as she would use them to chaf her skin. After 2 different doctor consultation and 3 checkups, her skin finally cleared up. And then it did (about 2 weeks ago, at week 18), Baby K has been a completely different baby. She was much happier, much calmer, and we finally see our baby for who she is! Our baby has a wide gummy smile!

16 weeks

What a milestone. Not for baby but for me. I went out for a mock tail with the BFF who is in town for a visit. Twitchy stayed home to take care of the baby. I was out for a good 2 hours! I felt so free! 

It had to happen... Eventually

Of course it had to happen. Baby K did her first big poo and leakage when we're out today. I guess in a way we've been lucky she has been good, only pooing at home and never when we're out. Now that we're 15 weeks of course it happened.

It leaked everywhere and boy, it sure does smell.i had a moment of panic in the parents room before instinct kicked in and me using up all wet wipes/paper towels/towels to clean baby, her toys and wipe down the capsule. I layered the pram with paper towels before putting baby back in and going straight home.

Two hours later and I still can smell poo :(

Snap

Today I snapped. I snapped at Twitchy for his lack of respect and empathy in my role caring for baby. 

I don't think he truly understands how hard it is, to care for an infant without any help. It all started when Baby K was being a little unsettled in the morning. After much coaxing, carrying, and soothing the crying still hasn't stop. So I put baby k down and left her crying.

Surprise surprise, Twitchy came along, and said he'll pick her up - implying I haven't done enough. That was the breaking point. From there I told him he can care for the baby on his own for the next few days and that I won't bother helping or telling him what to do.

Seems vindictive but it's the only way to get my point across. Twitchy has never cared for baby on his own. I am there when he wants to rest, I am there when baby is having a meltdown.... And every day when he comes home from work he doesn't see how much I work to keep baby fed, slept, settled and happy.

Or how about the many times he wakes up in the morning or comes home at night and says he is tired. Excuse me? You don't know what tired is

Or the many times he off handedly says - don't leave baby unattended, don't let baby watch tv, don't do this, don't do that...

You don't know how hard it is, dude!

So today I am taking a step back and not caring for the baby as much. 

Next week I shall book myself into the spa.

13 weeks

Feeling emotional today. Baby K is 13 weeks and wow, I am now definitely feeling like baby is growing up so fast! Last night was the first night baby slept in her cot ( next to my side of the bed) and I was already feeling lost. I miss having baby in bed, as much as it won't work out in the long term. Nevertheless, I have to be strong and persevere. She must get used to sleeping in her own bed.

Baby's also ... A baby. I am constantly in awe at how much she has grown since the early days. I am sad she is growing quickly and those days are behind us, yet excited to know that she is getting a bit older, a bit bigger and is less fragile!

Personally, I am currently feeling a loss of identity. I was going through my wardrobe and although I can fit into my pre maternity clothes, I'm not sure I want to. Who am I? I'm not who I used to be. And will I always feel this way? Or will I ever be back to who I am? Oh so many questions...

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Growth :

Baby K has hit 5kgs! She is still a small baby and I'll never expect her to be as big as others but it very cute to see her filling out her clothes and seeing those fat folds!

Sleep:

Baby K will now sleep in her cot at night! She is a fairly good sleeper at night, only waking up for feeds every 3 hours. Nope, no sign of sleeping through the night....but it's ok. I will adapt. She is also much better at her day sleeps too, she would sleep in the pram, on the couch or in bed as long as she is swaddled, have a pacifier and a sound machine.

Eat :

Still exclusively breast feeding. We have stopped dreamfeed and it as getting a little tiresome and stressful for me to pump ( and pray that there's enough)in the morning. One day at 12 weeks, Bethany suddenly refused to feed. She didn't want the boob at all and went on for 8 hours without feeding. That gave me quite a scare. Since then I decided nothing matters as long as she feeds. I still intend to express and store milk in the freezer for the future though, especially if I am not around.

Outings :

We're constantly out and about now, no holding back there! Exercise and social keeps me sane and keeps baby asleep in the pram.

Milestones :

Baby K is grasping at a lot of things and is fond of her daddy. She has a strong neck and legs and would constantly kick them high in the air. She would also know how to reach out of the pram to be lifted out, something she has done since week 7! She has also held her dummy and took it off and put it back in, although I don't think it's intentional.

Settling- much easier to read her cues, to know what she wants and what I can do . As a result, she doesn't cry too much these days. Only when she is overtired and fussy...s

Clothes - size 000s are the right fit for r&r now!

Physical developments - Baby K has pretty bad skin, I thought it was cradle cap, but it appears all over her body. Will get it checked out at the doctors soon and I sure hope to get a resolution ( not just one telling me to apply cream). It does look like Eczema, fingers crossed it isn't!!

10 weeks and a bit

Time's fly quickly these days. I am constantly out and about with Baby K. At week 9, i decided to try going into a routine again ( my first try was a failure at 6/7 weeks). To my surprise, baby has taken to it really well. I now get an average of 7-8 hour sleep, with only one feed in between - Twitchy is now doing the 10 'ish feed, dream feed, they call it! I now have some spare time of an hour at night and an hour in the morning. Ahhhh feels so good!

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Growth :

Baby K now feels like a solid baby, and no longer fragile like before. She feels a lot heavier too!

Sleep:

Still in bed with us. I am now attempting to get her to sleep in her bassinet during the day, which she has been doing, albeit inconsistently. Her day sleeps are unpredictable, but no issues with night sleep ( I am so thankful for that).

Eat :

Still exclusively breast feeding, I now pump in the morning for Twitchy to feed Baby K during her dream feed at night. I'd like to eventually built up a supply though. I had also thought about feeding formula for her dream feed but we both decided against it for fear of constipation!

Outings :

More outings and with no dramas. Baby even went back to the office with me and allowed to be cuddled by everyone, and then went back to sleep while we lunch. Same thing happened at a few lunches. 

Milestones :

Baby K is salivating a lot and now sucks on her hand. The nurses says that it's a good sign, that baby is developing her motor skills. She is also exceptionally chatty now, and is pretty loud!

Settling - it's getting better and better. Now that we're on a routine, it's much easier to read her cues, to know what she wants and what I can do . As a result, she doesn't cry too much these days. Only when she is overtired and fussy...

Clothes - slowly outgrowing the 0000s, although the 000s is loose on her!

Physical developments - cradle cap is still there, baby's getting a little chunky! Her thighs and arms actually have folds now ( she used to be pretty skinny). Her face is getting rounder too!

8 weeks and its Fathers Day!

Writing this a day late. Weekends are so precious these days. It means that Twitchy is home and that we get some precious family time. Also means that I get a little bit more freedom and dash around cooking/cleaning/whatever else I need to do that I can't do while caring for baby.

What a difference the 6 week mark makes. Baby K is now 8 weeks and the past two weeks has been a joy ( compared to before ). She is a little more predictable, a little easier to settle, and a lot more fun and constantly showering me with smiles, laughs and coos.

I am also slowly getting a bit of freedom to get things done, just a bit! Writing this blog for example was not possible before when she is awake. But here she is, wide awake and cooing away...

Just like my pregnancy, I thought I'd start documenting Baby K's updates and milestones, and we seem to be achieving something every week!

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Growth :

Baby K is growing so quickly! For the past 8 weeks, Twitchy and I swear that she looks different every day! It's pretty unbelievable to see her growing. Just over the weekend we decided to upsize her nappy as it is now a little snug and there has been a few leakages...

Sleep:

Two weeks ago I tried getting baby to sleep in the bassinet. She would, but required a lot of patting, coaxing and soothing. After three nights, it took a toll on me. So I decided to throw it out the window and just stick with our current sleep arrangements until she is a little older.

Speaking of which...baby sleeps in bed with us. Gosh. I didn't think I would be co-sleeping with baby but hey, don't judge untill you wear my shoes! After getting over all the guilt, I decided its not too bad. We are very cautious about SIDS, of course and practice safe sleeping. She has a sleeping wedge which prevents baby from rolling around and Twitchy and I both are light sleepers.

Eat :

I exclusively breastfeed baby k. She feeds every 3-4 hours. Eventually I'd like to start pumping and have some frozen supply for Twitchy to feed baby when I am not around.... Since the early days, we have not had any issues with feeding. 

Outings :

I have also build up the confidence to go out with baby on my own. I started out with attending Mothers Group in the nearby neighborhood. Boy was that nerve wrecking. But I figured, it's only closeby, I'll try to make it and if its too hard, I'd turn back and come home. But I made it! Struggled to release the baby capsule from the car for 5 mins and we turned up slightly late, but hey! Better late than never! After that I started going to malls, walking at the park and even walking around the neighbourhood. All my outings require meticulous planning. Baby is fed, changed and played a little before I put her into the capsule. She will then sleep the entire time we are out.

I'd ideally like to schedule in frequent walks to build my fitness. Unfortunately I don't quite know any pram friendly parks or walks around the area and have to travel to my old neighborhood for walks.... Hope to resolve this in time. I would be great to go somewhere closer to home....

Milestones :

Baby K has been extending her night feeds to one 5 hour block for the past two nights. I sure hope that this means that she is getting a little older and will let us sleep a little more. It has been 3-4 hourly feeds, which can be quite tiresome and disruptive. Having said that it's better than before when it was 2-3 hourly feeds and when she was awfully difficult to settle! Those were horrible days!

Smiles, laughs and coos - she is such a happy baby, especially in the mornings. Baby K is quite content laying on the couch entertaining herself untill it's her nap time.

Settling - it's getting there. 6/10 times, she would be ok easing herself to sleep with a swaddle, a short rock, a pacifier and a few pats. But it really depends, sometimes it can still take a while....

Clothes - I have been putting her in onesies, with preference to onesies with in built mittens and socks. Is just so much easier! But lately, I thought that I'd start styling baby. Slowly but surely...

Physical developments - Baby K has a little cradle cap on her head. It is now clearing up, thanks to Sorbolene cream!

6 weeks plus

The past week has been a lot easier for me and I guess, for baby. Baby K was noticeably easier to settle, slept better and best of all started interacting with us. She would smile, coo, talk and sing with TWitchy and I.

Last night was a milestone as well. She slept in her bassinet. She still had her feeds every 3-4 hours but gosh, what a relief to have her sleeping in the bassinet😅😅

How am I feeling? I have my good and bad days. I finally  got the nuts to drive out and attend mothers group with baby on tuesday.On my own! that was quite an experience, one that I am immensely proud of!

Thursday i had my 6 week post partum OBGYN check up and yesterday, we brought baby to her 6 week checkup with the paediatrician. Both of us got the clean bill of health. We're all set to conquer the world!

I am still living one day at a time, and I still don't know how I feel or how baby is. Motherhood is so far an odd experience. I wouldn't call it liberating (in fact it can be suffocating!) but as I've learnt the past few weeks, the smiles, coos and looks are rewarding enough to keep me going....